Learn with Dr. Emily®: Blog

Why Parents of Neurodivergent Kids are Really Good at Gratitude

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sun, 23 Nov 2025 23:30:00 GMT

If you are raising a neurodivergent child, you may have had some moments when you’ve looked at others and thought, “I wish it was easier for my child to just sit down and eat with the family” or “Wow, that kid just hopped out of the car and went into school like it was nothing!”

When your child is achieving milestones at their own pace, you quickly learn to surrender to the unknown and embrace the path in front of you.

What a gift.

Your child is teaching you lessons you would have never learned if they had not been your child. You are stronger for it and there is gratitude to be found here.

I see this unspoken understanding every day in hte waiting room of my child psychology practice. Parents notice each other and share a silent acknowledgment of understanding in passing. Even without a verbal exchange, I can feel them say, “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know it’s challenged you. I also know your kid is awesome. Me too.”

This Thanksgiving, I want to remind you all of this incredibly rewarding perspective. You’ve had to dig deep for moments of gratitude and it has likely led you to a richer life of knowing what’s really important.

Here’s how you’ve gotten really good at gratitude.

1. You appreciate ALL the wins (no matter how minor they seem to others)

Remember when you wanted to have a baby and you had an imaginary child in your head?

Would they like sports like I do?

Would they be musical like their dad?

They’ll for sure go to college.

For some reason, we think we are in control of these outcomes. But, having a child is the ultimate exercise in letting go. This little human is their own little person with their own big plan.

Your expectations for your child have no time frame other than noticing the next skill they are working on. For some it’s a smile, or a point, or sharing a toy. For others it’s walking into a classroom alone, self-regulation after a disappointment, or remembering to bring home their homework. Whatever the win, your child has created their own path and you don’t miss a single moment of progress because you feel SO PROUD when it happens.

2. You know how to celebrate progress over achievement

This is a lesson many parents don’t learn until middle school when they begin to let their child fail in order to build independence. You are ahead of the curve on this one. Since all the wins feel so good, you have lost interest in the finish line. You don’t care so much about grades but really care that your child is learning a skill and is making forward progress.

Your child will benefit from your emphasis on progress over achievement. They will know it’s not what someone says about them that defines their success, but what they feel about themselves that makes pride flourish and motivates them to master the next skill.

3. You can spot a small problem from a mile away

Years ago, when I was in a really hard season with my son, I overheard another group of moms complaining about how their child had not been placed in the same class as their best friend. We all have different perspectives that lead to our own struggles, which are all valid. However, from my perspective on that particular day, I remember thinking, “How lucky you are that your child has a friendship so strong that it’s a problem not to be in the same class.”

All problems are relative to our lived experience. Once you’ve experienced your child getting kicked out of preschool, being physically aggressive towards you, or having thoughts of self-harm, you get really good at spotting a small problem and letting it go. You have learned not to sweat the small stuff because you have to conserve your energy.

4. You have become the most flexible human ever

There is no one more flexible in the world than parents and teachers of neurodivergent youth. You know how to pick your battles. You also have some next-level problem-solving skills. When your kid doesn’t like Plan A and then Plan B falls through, you have a Plan C (or D or E) in your back pocket.

If you’re new here, you may not feel like this yet. Trust me, you will get there and when you do, you will have new skills you never had before.

For Parents of Newly-Diagnosed Kids

5. You see the best in people

Every person suffering in the world was once a child. Instead of thinking “What’s wrong with him?” you understand why trauma-informed therapists say, “What happened to him?” You know that your child is doing her best every day. You know that YOU are doing your best every day.

So when someone makes a mistake or apologizes, you are quick to say, "It’s ok. We’re all doing the best we can."

I am grateful for all of you this year! To all of the parents, teachers, school administrators, colleagues, readers, workshop attendees, speaking hosts, and podcast listeners, thank you for supporting children, families, educators, and each other!

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

About Dr. Emily…

Dr. Emily is a child psychologist and former school psychologist on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults they can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in their lives. This isn’t about changing the kids; it’s about changing us. Learn more about resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**

Be a Part of My Upcoming Book!

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sun, 19 Oct 2025 00:59:19 GMT

Hey Y’all,

I’m getting close to completing my book, THE NEURODIVERGENT LEARNER, but the final touch includes YOUR VOICES! I want to include the lived experiences related to elementary school of parents, educators, neurodivergent adults, and neurodivergent kids and teens (with parent permission)!

Click the respective link below to complete a short survey. You may share your first name, a pseudonym, or choose to remain anonymous. Sharing your story will help parents who are currently raising neurodivergent children in the elementary years.

Select responses will be included in my book scheduled for publication in 2026.

Y’all are THE BEST!

~Dr. Emily

Neurodivergent Adults

Neurodivergent Kids & Teens

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Strategies for staying organized…

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Meet Dr. Emily

I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

Nurturing the Independence of Neurodivergent Teens

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sat, 04 Oct 2025 22:00:00 GMT

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

As parents, we are all are working toward the same goal: Raise a human who is happy, kind, and as independent as possible.

But as parents raising neurodivergent teens, we get lost in the logistics: Is my child ever going to drive? Will they be able to go to college? Will they be able to get a job? Will they be able to keep a job? Will they be able to live on their own? Will they have friends? And, the list goes on.

Many of us start with these question because we are thinking about success in terms of achieving milestones, but I find it more helpful to define success within the framework of joy and pride. Is my child enjoying their life? Is my child proud of themselves? The answers to these questions give us clues as to how satisfied our teens are with their current situation.

Neurodivergent teens often experience executive functioning weaknesses and emotional dysregulation that interferes with their motivation for independence. So how can we reframe milestones of independence to make sense for our kids who are developing on their own path?

Have younger children? Read this

Chronological Ages are Arbitrary (for the most part)

One of the ways we feel alone as parents raising neurodivergent kids is when their milestones are misaligned with those around them. I find that this begins when children first enter Kindergarten.

Generally speaking, parents of infants and toddlers feel like they’re in the same boat having to support the feeding, sleeping, and toileting of their kids. But, once a child begins school, it becomes more obvious if your child is not getting out of the car, attending therapy instead of soccer practice, or having meltdowns at school.

At this point along the journey, it’s important to swap out chronological time for developmental time. Yes, your child might be eight years old, but they might have the impulse control of a much younger child. That same eight year old might also have the reading skills of a middle schooler. You will be able to support your child best through the tween and teen years by recognizing skills that need support and encouraging interests that need to be nurtured.

The Advocacy Hand-off

At some point along the way, parents of neurodivergent learners master all the things: attending IEP meetings, scheduling therapies, noticing their child’s strengths, planning support for their child’s needs, talking to their child about their brain, and helping their village better understand.

Just when we’ve mastered these parenting milestones, we begin to realize that we now must teach our child how to manage these things. Part of teaching our teens independence is helping them know what they can do on their own, what they need help with, knowing who to ask for help, and being able to ask for it. All of this takes practice.

Around the start of high school, teachers and administrators begin emphasizing graduation requirements, drivers education, and planning for the future.

Your child may or may not be ready to do what our culture allows because they are 16, 18, and 21, and that’s okay. Being allowed to do something isn’t the same as being ready to do it.

“How Old You Are vs. How Ready You Are”

Just because your teen is 16 does not mean they are ready to drive. Just because they are 18 does not mean they are ready to sign legal documents. These are arbitrary numbers determined by the government and not rooted in brain science. Just like you decided when your child was ready for Kindergarten, I find it helpful to focus on when your teen is ready for an independent skill. I call this “How Old You Are vs. How Ready You Are.”

When talking to teens about their independence, I’ve noticed that some teens want to drive or go to college alongside their same-age peers simply because this is the message they have received from others. We need to help them understand their skills and the support they need to become independent.

Some teens believe they have to learn to drive because they are turning 16 or have to move out when they are 18. We need to help these teens see that milestones are flexible.

I’ve also noticed that sometimes teens are ready for more independence but their parents are anxious about stepping back because they fear regression or failure. So how do we know when to step back?

Nurturing Your Teen’s Independence

I like to think about independent skills building on each other from the inside out. If expectations are too high, nothing is achieved.

Start with what your child is ready to do. If you’re not sure, ask their teacher, tutor, or therapist what they have seen them do independently so you know you can step back, too. Your child will fail. They will need coaching. You will have to explicitly teach them things that you feel are intuitive to other teens. Keep going—they want to be independent!

Teens first need to learn to take care of their body, then their things, then their space, and then others.

1) Taking care of my body (hygiene tasks)

2) Taking care of my belongings (keeping up with my things/own space)

3) Taking care of shared space (helping with cleaning and organization at home)

4) Taking care of others (noticing how I impact those around me)

Find What Motivates Them

Start with what motivates your teen. Some are motivated to shower because their skin feels less itchy when it’s clean. Some are motivated to do their laundry because their clothes feel better rather because their appearance looks better. Some are motivated to have a clean space because they’re able to find their things.

Teens want autonomy. Many neurodivergent teens just don’t know how to get there. During these years, I encourage parents to think of themselves as a consultant or coach. You are no longer doing things for your child, you are doing things with your child. They may not do it well, yet, but they won’t get there without practice.

So start here: What motivates your teen? What skills do they already have? What can they do independently if you teach them a system for it? What do they want to be able to do without help?

Remember, you are their life coach. You help solve problems by explaining or showing them what to do, not by doing it for them. Once you believe your child is capable of doing something on their own, trust in their skills, and let the practicing begin!

Let’s Stay Connected,

~Dr. Emily

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You Don’t Have to be a Special Educator to Teach a Neurodiverse Group of Learners

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sun, 14 Sep 2025 19:55:00 GMT

How We Got Here

Over the last fifty years, American classrooms have become more and more neurodiverse. This is both a good thing and a hard thing.

Fifty years ago, Public Law 94-142 was passed by Congress ensuring that all children have a right to a “free appropriate public education which emphasizes special education and related services designed to meet their unique needs.” At the time, the law was entitled “Education for All Handicapped Children Act of 1975” and stated that “handicapped children receive special education and related services in the least restrictive environment commensurate with their needs.”

In other words, children should be educated with their same-age classmates as much as possible as determined by the student’s Individualized Education Plan (IEP) team, which includes educators and parents (and the student themselves once they are ready to join meetings).

In 1997, the law was renamed the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), reauthorized in 2004, and amended in 2015 adding Public Law 114-95 or the Every Student Succeeds Act. According to the US Department of Education, in 2022-23, more than 66% of children with disabilities were in general education classrooms 80% or more of their school day.

How Teachers are Trained

While we celebrate the right for all children to have access to an education, we have been playing catch-up ever since 1975 to prepare teachers and administrators to create a sound education for neurodiverse learners.

Generally speaking, elementary school teachers either choose a teaching program to become a general education teacher or a special education teacher, yet when we advocate for children to receive education in the “least restrictive environment,” this means that we are educating many neurodivergent learners in the general education classroom with teachers who may not have training in how to meet such diverse needs.

Most general education teachers I talk with say they only received one class in college or graduate school on managing behaviors (otherwise known as students feeling overwhelmed) —not to mention the lateral entry teachers, substitute teachers, and instructional assistants who may not have had any training on supporting neurodiverse learners.

Crash Course for New Teachers

A common misconception is that you need to have a degree in special education to be an effective general education teacher these days, but I don’t believe you do.

General education teachers: You are already teaching a neurodiverse group of learners. Building relationships, supporting emotional regulation, and implementing executive functioning strategies benefits all students. If you are an elementary educator tasked with teaching a neurodiverse group of learners, read on for the top 3 things I believe will help you be an effective educator for all students.

Where We Go From Here

Curriculums are linear. Brains are not. As an educator, you are tasked with teaching a standardized curriculum to a group of non-standardized brains.

You know each child is unique but it’s hard to figure out when to support and when to push for independence. You’re also expected to emphasize a set of school-wide behavioral expectations that are attainable for some but not for others, not because they aren’t trying hard enough, but because they simply don’t have the impulsive control or emotional regulation skills to manage the demands of learning yet.

Start by focusing on these three things:

Never Stop Learning (because the kids are your teachers)

As a child psychologist, so much of what I have learned over the years wasn’t in graduate school, but in classrooms and the therapy room. We gain knowledge and confidence with every child we help, but no two kids are the same so we have to rely on each other to share ideas and never stop learning.

Your special education, school psychology, occupational therapy, and speech-language pathology colleagues are full of knowledge related to supporting unique learners and differentiating instruction for asynchronous student needs. I know you are encouraged to attend professional development on literacy, math, and STEM. But, the elephant in the room is that none of that content can get into a child’s brain if they are stressed and disengaged. So, attend as many professional development opportunities as you can on mental health, executive functioning, and supporting the anxiety of learners. I’m here to help!

Stay Curious (about why kids are having a hard time rather than assuming they are giving you a hard time)

It’s hard to be in the room with a student who is experiencing a stress response. It’s even harder to be that student. Their big behavior dysregulates the nervous systems around them and challenges you to keep your cool while keeping everyone safe. It’s so hard. There are times when safety plans have to be in place, but there is always more we can do to prevent emotional overwhelm in the first place rather than only responding to it.

Stay curious about what skills are lagging for the student. Are they uncomfortable with something in the environment and don't know how to safely communicate their emotions? Then we need to teach them to notice their uncomfortable feelings and come up with a developmental appropriate plan to communicate this feeling to a trusted adult.

We will miss triggers and have to respond to behaviors, but if you see a pattern, there is always something you can do to get ahead of it to prevent emotional overwhelm. When expectations are higher than student skills, we are met with a stress response, otherwise known as behavior. You can read more here.

Take Exceptional Care of Yourself (because #1 and #2 take a lot of energy)

I know you love to see a child’s face light up when they finally figure out a concept or feel proud of themselves for accomplishing a new skill they have tried so hard to master. These moments are deeply rewarding and you love making a difference in the lives of children.

But, one thing I know to be true as a therapist and for educators is that constantly pouring out compassionate care takes an incredible amount of energy from the helper.

So, you need to practice radical self-care. I’m not talking about manis, pedis, and year-end teacher gifts. Those feel great and are so appreciated, but they are band-aids on the deeper fatigue you feel as a compassionate giver.

You must take exceptional care of your nervous system to make this teacher life sustainable. So, back to basics: Prioritize sleep, move your body every day, stay hydrated, set boundaries, know your physical and emotional cues for rest, do something that brings you joy every single day, and ask your colleagues and family for help.

These ideas are both simple and radical. As compassionate givers, we have to find the energy to hold space for a child who is having a hard time while also problem-solving ways to get ahead of it if their emotional response becomes a pattern. This type of problem solving takes a lot of energy, which you can learn to manage with practice.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

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But Timers Make My Kid Anxious

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 08 Sep 2025 00:00:00 GMT

If our kids can’t feel time, it makes sense to show them time, right? Well, this only works if they can tolerate the feelings that come with realizing they are running out of time.

As a child psychologist who works with neurodivergent kids and teens living with anxiety, I have witnessed many stress responses to timers. I’ve received repetitive questions from kids about how much longer we have to play. And, I’ve seen kids put their hands over their ears at the sight of a timer. Both of these situations indicate anxiety about the limits of time and the anticipation of the startling sensory experience of an alarm sound when the fun is done.

Why Feeling Time is Important

We rely on our executive functioning skills to plan, initiate, sustain attention, and persevere with a task through to completion. Feeling time is the internal sensation we experience when we have one more thing to do and we predict that we can squeeze it in before we have to leave for an appointment.

However, difficulty perceiving time is common among people with ADHD. Many neurodivergent kids experience weaknesses in executive functioning and struggle to feel time.

When a person struggles to feel time, they often cannot predict the time frame needed for an activity which leads to difficulty problem solving a needed pivot. Once a person realizes they need to pivot at the last moment, the feeling of not having enough time sets in and produces anxiety.

How Anxiety Shuts Down Learning

The reason to avoid causing additional anxiety with timers is because when we experience high anxiety we cannot learn or complete the task in front of us. Our amygdala (where emotional functioning is located in the brain) hijacks our frontal lobe (where executive functioning is located) and we lose the ability to plan what’s next.

High anxiety sends us into fight or flight, which is helpful if there is a tiger on the loose or our house is on fire, but not so helpful if we’re trying to quickly remember which items we need to pack up.

A critical part of my job as a child therapist is to help children understand that they are safe even when they are uncomfortable, bored, tired, hungry, or annoyed—because their amygdala might be sending a danger signal instead. In children, fight, flight, or freeze might look like arguing, running, hiding, or a child’s mind going blank. So, adding the stress of being timed on top of a difficult transition can make matters worse.

So what do we do if a child needs time management support but is anxious?

Use Visual Instead of Digital

We can teach kids to feel time by showing them what it looks like. The Time Timer is my favorite tool for doing this.

If a child is not yet reading a clock, we tend to think digital is best. However, digital clocks do not support teaching the feel of time because they only represent numbers that change and not a visual that represents the passing of time. When a child cannot see the time span getting smaller, they are often startled and even more anxious when the time is up.

Build Trust With No More Alarms

When I introduce the Time Timer in my therapy playroom, some children immediately look anxious. So we sit down and play with the timer. I show them that my timer’s sound is turned off and will always be turned off. Sometimes trusting me and this new plan takes a few sessions, but over time children learn that my timer is silent and we only use the visual movement of the timer to help us track time in the playroom.

Remember, the opposite of anxiety is trust so we must establish trust with a child through a predictable routine of using the timer in a way that does not feel scary to them.

Swap Out a Count Down for a Routine

Most of us start out using timers by saying something like, “When the timer goes off, it’s time to clean up.” However, for an anxious child, counting down the minutes until we take the fun away increases anxiety. Instead, try a predictable routine. Create a visual play plan with pictures or written words to check off with “clean up” paired with music or a game as the last task.

Support Transitions with Preferred Tasks

For those who experience strong emotions at times of transition, think about an object your can work into the next task. For instance, you could say, “When the red goes away you can unlock my car” or “When the timer gets to zero, it will be time for Goldfish in the car.” After a few times of this routine, a child’s anxiety tends to reduce because they know they will come back to the play at some point and the distraction of getting to the car buffers their anxiety about the play being done.

How to Teach Waiting Effectively

Waiting is one of the most anxiety-provoking situations for children with executive functioning weaknesses who cannot feel time. When will it be their turn? When will their parent be available? When will the teacher call on them? It could feel like one minute or 200 hours!

The trick here is to set the timer for when the preferred activity or person will be available and have the child come get you when it’s time. Keeping track of the passing time will help distract a child from waiting as well as give them a sense of control and autonomy in the process. Using a visual timer for waiting also creates an experience of feeling excited when the timer runs out rather than feeling disappointed when the timer is done.

Do be aware that for this strategy to work, we have to consistently be ready to transition with kids so they can count on us to show up for them.

When to Seek Professional Help

Even with these strategies, some children will continue to experience anxiety about time. This likely means that they may not be developmentally ready to work on the concept of feeling time. Work with your child’s occupational therapist, mental health provider, or teacher to come up with a plan that best supports their emotions at times of transition to build consistency and trust, both of which will help reduce anxiety.

Let’s stay connected!

~Dr. Emily

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Why Won't My Kid Get Out of the Car?

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 25 Aug 2025 20:17:00 GMT

boy walking into school

As parents and educators, we know that children often experience a “honeymoon” the first day (or week) of the new school year. It’s a time when many children are blissfully distracted by their new outfit, their new backpack, their new teacher, their new pencil, or their new classmates.

They often make it through the first day just fine.

But at some point, many children begin to settle in, look around and think: “What exactly is going on here? You mean, I come here every day, away from home, and learn new, hard things?”

It’s at this point that many children begin showing anxiety because they have just starting to feel anxiety.

It’s also at these moments when parents begin seeing some resistance getting out of the car at drop-off, getting into the car to go, getting dressed in the morning, or even getting into bed the night before.

As a child psychologist and former school psychologist, I’ve watched patterns of new-school-year anxiety in children for over 20 years. Here are the most common reasons for school avoidance, when to be concerned, and how you can support your child:

Understanding School Anxiety

(1) Learning is a vulnerable experience.

Neurodivergent children often have social, communication, and processing weaknesses that make it hard to know what is going on around them, which can create anxiety. If children have academic struggles, they are also going to have some anxiety about how their performance compares to classmates. Because learning is a vulnerable experience, we have to make relationships at school feel safe and stable before any quality learning can take place.

(2) They left their safe people at home.

Learning to leave your safe people at home, the ones who have soothed you from the time of your birth, is a big deal for incoming preschoolers and Kindergarteners. This step can take neurodivergent kids anywhere from a week to a month to a school year to fully adjust to this new normal of having a home family and a school family. The most important things parents can do during this transition is to build a relationship with teachers so that you can show your child that you trust the adults caring for them during the day. If you are unsure about your child’s teacher, it’s likely your child can feel your uncertainty which may cause them to feel more anxious. Talk to a school administrator if your concerns persist.

(3) They can’t predict what’s going to happen.

School buildings are filled with lots of new sounds, smells, and crowds that many young children have to adjust to. Groups also bring unpredictable behavior from others.

Things that could be going through your child’s mind are:

That kid doesn’t follow the rules. What if they take my toy?

I can’t control my body during circle time, pay attention to the rules, or know what to say when someone bumps into me.

Who will help me if I feel scared?

Whatever feels different to our child during this period of adjustment could cause anxiety. Many times, this anxiety will resolve when they get used to the routines, people, and demands of school. But if anxiety continues, we want to consider making some changes. After all, children can’t learn if they are feeling anxious all day.

If their brain is too busy coping with anxiety, there is little bandwidth left for learning.

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When To Be Concerned

(1) Your child is upset during the school day for an extended period of time.

Many times, children will experience a spike of anxiety right before doing a brave thing. Anxiety is common when children anticipate doing something non-preferred. For some children this looks like refusing to get out of the car while for others it could look like bedtime anxiety the night before a school day. Many parents are perplexed when teachers report that their child had a great day after a very hard morning; but many times, once children transition into school all is well. It’s the getting through the transition that gives a spike in anxiety.

As a child psychologist, I am concerned if a child remains upset or anxious during the school day or begins to speak negatively about themselves when talking about school.

(2) You realize your child’s school cannot support their needs.

We all have great hopes for our child’s future and that includes that they will be capable of learning in school. However, raising children is like building the plane while you fly it. You may begin with the idea that your child will attend one school and figure out that they need something else. Your child may enter Kindergarten in a general education classroom but you may realize they need a smaller class with more specialized staff to help them learn.

Decisions to change a child’s school situation are some of the hardest decisions we make as parents because our kids spend so much time there.

Moving your child to a smaller or more specialized classroom or school can feel like you are “lowering the bar” or “giving up.” However, it’s quite the opposite.

I have seen children thrive in smaller, more specialized settings because when they feel more supported, their anxiety is reduced, and they are more engaged in learning. On the other hand, keeping a child in an environment that does not meet their needs often risks harming a child’s mental health and love of learning.

(3) Your child’s teacher is concerned they are not making progress.

As a child psychologist, I am often asked to be a parent’s objective sounding board. Many parents feel overwhelmed by making school decisions and it’s hard to know what is our own anxiety as parents and what is a gut feeling that our child isn’t in the right educational setting.

Teachers can also be objective sounding boards. Teachers know when a child is struggling outside the realm of what is expected for that classroom. If your child’s teacher is not concerned, then there is likely no need for you to be concerned. However, if your teacher is concerned that your child is stressed by the academics, social, or sensory demands of the classroom, it’s time to start collaborating on solutions.

How to Support Your Child

(1) Be sure the learning matches your child’s skills.

If your child is faced with learning that is too hard for them on a daily basis, this will cause stress, which will deplete their energy and focus to learn. Collaborate with teachers on reducing task demands until your child feels capable and confident, then build skills from there.

(2) Build connections and trust between the home family and the school family.

Sometimes, children will “throw their teacher under the bus” when resisting going to school. These are crucial moments when you have to lean on your knowledge and trust of your child’s teacher to align with them as the person you are trusting to support your child during the day. If you don’t trust the teacher, it’s hard to reassure your child. Make sure your child knows they are safe both at home and at school, and make sure they see that you believe they are safe, too.

(3) Reinforce school routines, predictability, and plans for support.

Once a plan is in place, support your child with the transition to school. Make the mornings predictable and use visual schedules that support communication and increase independence. Sometimes transition objects can help such as taking a picture to show the teacher or opening an encouraging note from a parent when a child reaches their classroom.

Whatever the strategy, remain encouraging and positive to help your child adjust to school while remaining aware that if their distress continues for too long, a change may be warranted. There is no one type of classroom that fits every type of brain. One of our many jobs as parents is to find the just right learning situation for our child so they can grow and thrive into the person they are meant to become.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

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5 Ways to Build a Trusting Parent-Teacher Partnership

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 11 Aug 2025 13:15:00 GMT

One of the many reasons back-to-school season is my favorite is that I get to provide professional development to teachers as they return to school. I’ll be heading to five schools over the next week and the fresh optimism of a new school year is always palpable. I know teachers sitting in my trainings are being pulled away from nesting in their classrooms, so it’s important that I value their time with strategies they can use as soon as they meet their students.

Bring me to your school in 2026

Every teacher I meet has said “yes” to showing up for kids this year. But I know there are stressors that that this job difficult. All the data collection, meetings, and testing standards on top of the actual teaching can be overwhelming. However, when I consult with teachers, they report their highest level of stress doesn’t come from the data, testing, or students, but from parents. Gulp.

Yet, in my child psychology practice I hear frustrations from parents about how teachers and administrators need more information to support our neurodivergent students, which I talk about here, here, and here.

We are working within a system that is not designed to organically meet the needs of neurodivergent learners, so we have to work together.

The Importance of Communication

Many concerns stem from a lack of communication. I encourage parents every day to embrace the mindset of “no news is good news” because teachers have a lot of responsibilities outside of classroom time and unless there is a significant concern to share, no news really is good news.

When a teacher has time to share a positive anecdote, this is often a sign that they not only understand the value of a win for your child, but they are likely supported enough by their school administration to have time to tell you about it.

While communication is paramount in helping parents and educators work together to support a child, the most important factor in establishing and maintaining these relationships is trust. Without trust, simple every-day interactions can go one of two ways:

If parents don’t hear from a teacher they trust, they think, “No news is good news! She will let me know if there is a concern.” In other words, they trust her judgment to be their child’s person throughout the school day.

If they don’t hear from a teacher they don’t trust, it’s easy to think, “I’m frustrated he is not communicating with me. How will I know how things are going at school?

I’ve worked hard over the years to establish trusting relationships with my own children’s teachers, which has led to partnerships beyond what I could have imagined.

My Perspective as a Parent

I have never been a teacher. I can only imagine what it feels like to make connections with 20-30 children at once, plan a lesson that is only appropriate for a some and must be adapted for others, all while meeting the expectations of the principal, school district, and multiple Individual Education Plans and 504 Plans. It is the hardest and most important job out there because nurturing young learners is the the future foundation of our communities.

However, I have worked in public schools as a school psychologist and have been in countless classrooms observing students and their interactions with teachers. But, when my own kids started school I had to learn how to build relationships from the outside in.

One of my first interactions with my son’s preschool teacher was when they shared their developmental concerns for him. Again, a parent’s reaction here goes one of two ways: If you trust this teacher, you believe her and you work together figuring out how to best support your child. However, if you don’t trust them, you question, you rationalize, and your child might not get the support they need.

This fall, I will have a 6th grader and a 12 the grader and I believe my partnership with their teachers has been a key factor in their success. I want parents and teachers to know that this trusting relationship is possible.

I’ve also asked several educators I trust to share their perspectives. Perhaps something here can help you foster a partnership with your child’s teacher or speak to you as an educator about building connections with parents.

Parents: Get Involved!

In order for parents to trust teachers and school staff, we must know them. If your only interaction with teachers is when something is wrong, this will not build a trusting partnership.

So, how can you show up? Give your gratitude, time, money, or donated supplies, but show that you are in support of the job teachers are doing for all students. I’m of the mindset that for every parent who volunteers, there are five or so more parents who cannot volunteer due to working multiple jobs or having young children at home.

So, if you can volunteer, be present not only for your child but for their classmates as well. Be a classroom helper, be a field trip chaperone, organize books in the school library, and join the PTA. Some of my strongest relationships with teachers and administrators were built through interactions I’ve had during PTA meetings and events.

If you can’t volunteer, be kind and helpful over email so your child’s teacher knows you are ready and willing to collaborate.

When you present yourself as collaborative, teachers will predict that you’ll be helpful in parent-teacher conferences and IEP meetings, too. They will be appreciative of your time and this builds trust. You will also see them in action with your child, which will build your trust in them.

Teachers & Parents: Communicate (with boundaries!)

Don’t let the only time for communication be in the carpool line. No one can build a trusting relationship there. Establish the best way to contact each other and stick to it. Try not to communicate when you are anxious or angry. When it comes to email, use the tried and true method of “write it, but don’t send it.” Sleep on it and have your partner or colleague look it over.

Parents, if you wouldn’t say it to a co-worker, don’t say it to a teacher. It’s a collaborative partnership and the project is your child. So, don’t let your emotions hijack the project.

“When a parent comes across as accusatory when you express a concern or share data, it makes me more hesitant to reach out.” – Special Education Teacher

Parents, I know you feel you want to protect your child when you don’t think they are getting what they need, but have you ever wanted to collaborate with someone who is angry with you? If teachers are walking on eggshells around you due to a previous interaction, they may not share as much information with you as you would get in a trusting relationship.

When teachers predict that you’ll be collaborative, they look forward to sharing information with you, which will lead to solving problems faster and more effectively for your child. One day soon, our kids will advocate for themselves but until then, they are watching how we interact with each other. If working collaboratively with teachers is difficult for you due to your own past experiences, seek support for yourself so that you can show up for your child.

Teachers, know that some parents are triggered by interactions with educators because of negative experiences from their own schooling. Help parents refocus to collaboratively problem-solve this task: What does this child need? They need for you to be open and available to communicate, advocating for them if something isn’t in their best interest.

“Parents are parenting to the extent they know how to. When everyone knows more, we all do better and are more effective. Parents, keep sending your child to school on time and support academic and behavior growth. Let's grow as a community to be more effective.” – Special Education Teacher

Parents: The More Information the Better

This is a big one. In my work with neurodivergent children, parents are often scared that their child will be wrongly labeled or judged based on an evaluation report or the opinion of a previous teacher. In my experience, more information is best and without it, teachers may not understand your child as well as they could.

“It truly takes a team and when parents and teachers are on the same page and work together, that creates much more success! I would say it is helpful when parents share information in the beginning of the year about their child. Parents know their kids best and when I can come in with some awareness around what the student likes, what his/her strengths are, and what some of the challenges are, it can help me get off to a good start.” – Special Education Teacher

“I believe parents first trust us by sending their students to us, believing that we will do all we can to help students grow throughout the year. It is always helpful for parents to share information that they feel might impact their child while learning in school.” – Assistant Principal

So, start off the school year with an email to all teachers about getting to know your child. You are the expert! Tell them what works, what doesn’t work, what to look for, and position yourself as a supportive and available partner in this journey.

Educators: It’s All About the Administration

At the end of the day, the cornerstone of a trusting relationship between parents and teachers is modeled first by the principal and assistant principal. The principal sets the tone of the school and is a role model for teachers. Like any job, when staff feel supported, they want to give their best.

Schools earn reputations for having great teachers, and for being a great place to work just like any other company. High test scores and nice facilities are important to many people, but I truly believe that good schools are created by excellent educators. It’s the people and the relationships that make the difference.

“I work really hard to establish trusting relationships. In my role, those relationships only get stronger from year to year. I think the parent-teacher trust is more difficult to build because of the yearly changes…some turnover is good and I wish that was reflected. We always encourage our staff to pursue positions that speak to them or will help them continue to grow.”

– Assistant Principal

When teachers work in an environment where they are encouraged to grow and trust each other, collaboration is fostered not only with other teachers, but with parents and students.

FREE resource for teachers

Parents: What If Trust is Broken?

So, what if you don’t trust a teacher? First, ask yourself why. Have you had a negative interaction? Is their style not a good fit for your child? Once you have had enough interactions to be sure whether or not you trust a teacher’s skills and judgment, what if you don’t?

Most concerns can be solved by holding a parent-teacher conference. However, if you are not feeling heard, it’s time to talk to a school administrator. Perhaps the teacher needs support from the principal to explain why the school can’t provide what you are asking for. Perhaps the teacher needs more training. Or, maybe there is a dynamic in the classroom you think the principal be aware of.

Many parents I work with say, “I don’t want to go over the teacher’s head” or “I’m scared to talk to the principal.” In my experience, talk with the teacher first, but if you think a teacher needs more support, principals want to know. If you have a concern about a teacher, it’s the principal who knows all that might be at play in the situation, even if they can’t tell you every detail.

However, remember that all concerns are relative. A concern for you may not be a concern in the context of all the needs in the school. Principals are in the business of triaging concerns, so be patient.

Like any collaborative relationship, there will be problems to solve and, at times, there will be conflict. We can weather the conflict and build a path to success if the foundation is built on a trusting partnership.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

Dr. Emily's Website

What School Was Like for Dr. Emily

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Fri, 25 Jul 2025 21:00:00 GMT

I always liked school. I mainly liked school because I had the skills to stay organized and as long as I had my Trapper Keeper and a colorful array of gel pens, I felt in control. From a young age, I wanted to be a teacher. My mom was an English professor and later a school administrator, and I would occasionally go with her to work on teacher workdays. I would sit on the floor coloring while she taught college English classes. I remember thinking that sitting around talking about stories looked like fun to me. I liked stories. Judy Blume and The Babysitters Club were my favorites.

I lost a love of reading somewhere in middle school and didn’t get it back until my junior year of high school. I think this happened because I started getting asked to read things I wasn’t interested in and I also started realizing that I couldn't read as fast as my classmates.

How It All Began

The first thing you should know is that I was four years old when I started Kindergarten. I have a September birthday and the age cut-off for local public schools at the time was September 30th. I was always smaller than my peers, which was socially okay because I was a girl, but I got noticed as “smart” because my age surprised people. As I got older, my age kept surprising people. I was 13 when I started high school, 17 when I started college, and 21 at graduation. I was 26 when I completed my doctorate and repeatedly got stopped for my hall pass when working as a School Psychologist in a high school that first year out of grad school.

I can’t imagine my story being any other way, but I do think being young impacted me. I think it made me feel that I always had something to prove. And while some saw me as “smart,” there were parts of school that were hard for me. I didn’t understand much of Chemistry and Physics and I somehow figured out a way to graduate without taking pre-Calculus. I learned to lean into my strengths, which were following the rules, staying organized, and getting really good at being a student, otherwise known as “compliant.”

But, what I know now that I didn’t know back then is that I was experiencing more anxiety than my classmates. Over time my organization and compliance turned into perfectionism so I could avoid feeling wrong about anything. I remember feeling socially anxious for the first time in second grade when I was scared to be wrong in front of the class. It was hard for me to understand how everyone appeared to be fine raising their hand to talk like it was no big deal.

I started to fake being engrossed in my work, avoiding eye contact, because I didn't want to get called on. That only worked sometimes.

In third grade, I tried looking at my neighbor’s paper on a spelling test and was quickly reprimanded by the teacher. One comment was all it took for my anxiety to spike and I never did that again. In fourth grade, I lost the class spelling bee on a really easy word because my mind went blank. I didn’t know then that that’s what anxiety does. It hijacks your smarts.

I Preferred Singing to Talking

I’m not sure when I figured out I could sing, but by fourth grade, I knew. That fall, there was an open audition for the children’s chorus in a local production of Hansel and Gretel. All we had to do was sing a song for our music teacher. I couldn’t bring myself to sign up. The final day of auditions was for anyone who had been absent. I, of course, had not been absent; I had been anxious. I raised my hand with all my courage and my teacher gave me a pass to the music teacher.

I walked to the music teacher’s “office,” which was a closet, thinking “What in the world am I going to sing?” I hadn’t prepared anything. I hadn’t even told my mom I was doing this. I sang “Star Spangled Banner” and experienced my first musical success. I had never felt joy like that before. I performed in Hansel and Gretel at the largest theater in the city for the next two holiday seasons and was hooked. I wasn’t anxious when I sang, even on stage in front of thousands of people.

My anxiety intensified in late elementary school and middle school and I experienced chronic gastrointestinal issues that no medical doctors could solve. I now know that this was my gut processing untreated anxiety. I “treated” my anxiety with more singing and being a “good student” to avoid negative feedback.

Thankfully, show choir was a big thing in the 1990s (jazz hands, anyone?) and became my life in middle and high school. But, I continued being a teacher-pleaser to keep my anxiety at bay.

Keeping Up and Finding Reading Again

My “good student” status was challenged in high school with science, math, and Advanced Placement (AP) classes. I started to feel like a “slow reader.” This whole “skimming” thing people talked about made no sense to me. I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading if I didn’t read it at the pace with which I talked. So, Cliffs Notes became my friend, not because I was slacking, but so I could keep up with the pace of the curriculum.

(Here I am faking my way through Chemistry class for all to see in the school newspaper)

My junior year, I dropped out of AP US History because it was too much reading. That same year I loved my AP English class because I discovered that I loved human stories of hardship and healing. We read F. Scott Fitzgerald, Kate Chopin, and Zora Neal Hurston. I was hooked on the human experience. I hadn’t yet discovered psychology, and wouldn’t for a few more years, but I didn’t need Cliffs Notes to make it through the novels I read that year.

Senior year of high school was a different story. AP English was filled with Shakespeare and Old English texts that weren’t engaging to me, mainly because they were hard for me to comprehend. Remember, my mom the English professor? She loved this stuff! I was supposed to be good at it, right? It’s in my genes, right? Well, I didn’t like it but this “good student” certainly kept trying. I made a 2 on the AP English exam that year.

I took the SAT three times and hoped and prayed my combined score was enough. I had all the other makings of a “good” college applicant complete with a weighted GPA over 4.0 and loads of extracurriculars, but my standardized test grades were only okay.

Spring of my senior year, I was waitlisted at my top choice. However, not only did I eventually get accepted later that spring, I went on to earn two bachelor degrees (English and Psychology) and a doctorate (School Psychology) from that same university that waitlisted me. As we know, learning is not just about test scores.

Finding Psychology

My most pivotal moment came in college when I was studying abroad in Oxford, England. Since I was so sure I was going to be an English teacher like my mother I had traveled that summer with a group of fellow English majors from my university to live at Oxford University and study Shakespeare and 18th century poetry.

Now, as you recall, Shakespeare was not my favorite, but as “good students” do, I was checking the boxes to receive the diploma. At this point, I was still an English major due to my love of American lit, especially southern female authors, but Shakespeare and anything resembling Beowulf were a thorn in my side. So, I thought maybe if I immerse myself in the history, I will understand it better.

Well, I read Shakespeare, I visited Shakespeare’s birthplace, I was a groundling at the Globe Theatre in London, I read sonnets in the garden, I sat so close to the stage at Richard II that Ralph Fiennes was spitting on me, and I still didn’t like Shakespeare.

Not only that, but I couldn’t comprehend or remember any of the quotes that we were being tested on. Though I had a wonderful time and met some amazing people who love Shakespeare very much, I found myself at a crossroads.

I called my mom in tears realizing that I just couldn’t be a high school English teacher because I can’t teach something I don’t like. I don’t know what my mom said but I remember her being supportive and making me feel like I didn’t have to have it all figured out yet. That’s exactly what I needed to hear because I thought every “good student” absolutely had to have it all figured out. At this point in undergrad, I was nearly done with my English degree so I decided to stumble through the rest of my British Literature coursework.

After returning home that fall, I took my first psychology class. I was hooked. This was the science of human stories. This wasn’t like Chemistry or Physics. This made sense to me. Everyone is different. Everyone learns differently.

I’m not less than because I can’t show what I know on a test. That’s just my anxiety.

I think many people come to psychology due to an interest in figuring something out about themselves or someone in their family. For me, psychology was the first time I was asked to hypothesize, to do what I thought would happen in any given scenario. Discovering psychology helped me begin loosening my hold on perfectionism and find the way that I learned best.

This didn’t stop anxious me from keeping my options open, of course. Anyone with anxiety will tell you that making decisions is hard. So I applied to both School Psychology and Teaching graduate programs. And, at the eleventh hour I decided on School Psychology because I loved learning about learning.

I wanted to pull back the curtain on why we teach kids the way we do and how to help those who struggle with the way our culture has organized traditional education.

Even though I attended public schools and an affordable university, I had opportunities to travel and learn at camp in the North Carolina mountains every summer. I had a solid attention span, organization, and writing skills. And, I had music. Music was my respite from anxiety. It still is.

From a young age, I’ve known the power of listening to stories and weaving it into the context of the problems you are solving. That’s my favorite part of this work. Being a detective to figure out the problem, try to see it from everyone’s perspective, and help come to solutions that will benefit the student, not the system.

It’s easy to get discouraged about how slow systems take to change, especially in publicly-funded education, but there is power in the relationships on the ground in a classroom. That’s where the change happens.

Parents, you can help teachers feel seen. Teachers, you can help students feel seen. And, students will one day become the parents and the teachers answering the question: So, what was school like for you?

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

P.S. Tell us in the comments about a teacher or school experience that shaped you.

Related Blogs and Workshops…

I’m Dr. Emily, a child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help you be the best parent you can be for your neurodivergent child. If you want more tips like these as well as learn more about raising your neurodivergent child, be sure to subscribe and see all my resources for parents and teachers at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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What Parents Mean When They Say Someone "Gets It"

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sat, 12 Jul 2025 23:00:00 GMT

Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

If you have ever had a conversation with a fellow parent raising a neurodivergent child, you have either said this phrase or you have heard this phrase.

It usually goes something like this, “We are so grateful for our son’s teacher this year. She really gets it.” Or, “We are getting together with extended family over the holidays and it’s always tough. They don’t get it.”

Parents raising children diagnosed with autism, ADHD, or twice-exceptionality, which often comes with anxiety, sensory sensitivities, and executive functioning weaknesses, immediately know what this phrase means.

It truly is the fastest way to sum things up without needing to explain why your child only wears purple shorts or why you always leave parties early.

So what exactly does it mean to say someone “gets it?”

It means a teacher who sees ripped paper and assumes frustration and not intentional destruction of property.

It means a school administrator who hears profanity but sees an overwhelmed and frustrated child, not a rude one.

It means a soccer coach who sees a meltdown about socks and shin guards and patiently understands the need for more time to process the feeling of sweaty, itchy soccer gear.

It means a piano teacher who understands when you show up for lessons but your child cannot get out of the car because the routine has been different that day.

It means a religious leader who allows your child to sit with you to sing instead of insisting they stand up in front with the group.

It means a grandparent who sees you not picking battles about food so that your child can be nourished today.

It means a grown-up who listens to your child talk about the details of space travel and notices how it lights up their face.

It means a friend of yours who finds a quiet spot at the party and hangs back with you while your child plays.

It means a teacher who celebrates and shares with excitement that your child asked for help after months of not being able to speak up in class.

It means a therapist who knows aggression is a stress response leading to emotional dysregulation and the goal is to help a child feel connected, safe, and then learn skills.

It means a teacher who sees your child's strengths AND your child's needs for support and believes that, yes, these vastly different abilities can indeed exist within the same child.

It means someone sees your child beyond the behavior that may cause others to feel uncomfortable . They get it. And, they are now a part of your village.

Pass this on to anyone who needs to read this today.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

About Dr. Emily…

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How Motivation is Different for Neurodivergent Kids

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sat, 28 Jun 2025 20:00:00 GMT

Photo by Vanessa Bumbeers on Unsplash

When I talk to parents and teachers of neurodivergent kids and teens, especially those raising and teaching autistic children, I often hear, “I can’t figure out what motivates her,” or “They only care about video games” or even, “I can’t get him to care about anything.”

Here’s the thing: I’ve never met a kid without interests. As the trusted adult raising and teaching neurodivergent kids, you may have to look a bit closer, especially if a child’s interest doesn’t fit into society’s norm of “expected.”

The Power of Interests

In general, neurotypical brains are more often socially motivated to please others than neurodivergent brains. Being socially motivated means you can ignore your own interests for a short time to focus on what’s expected of you at school or work to please the person asking you to do something.

Yet, many neurodivergent individuals I’ve worked with over the years explain that they just aren’t that socially motivated, meaning they don’t feel a need to please others unless they know that person really well and trust them.

I’ve also learned from many autistic teens over the years that it’s exhausting for them to fake being interested in something. Many feel they aren’t being true to themselves when trying to please others, which negatively impacts their mental wellness.

As adults, we need to prioritize connecting with neurodivergent kids through their interests to build trust rather than expecting them to do as we say simply because we asked them to.

We also can’t make someone be interested in or care about something that is not their thing. So, if you can’t figure out what a neurodivergent child is into, read on for my tips.

Side note: There are times when a child or teen may be experiencing depressive symptoms that lead to feeling a loss of interest in things they were once interested in. If this is the case, talk to your child’s pediatrician or mental health provider about your concerns because this may be more connected to depression than having deep, narrow interests.

What I’m talking about here is finding the interests of a child when they may just be into only one thing or when their interests may not align with the world around them. For instance, their interest may be limited to a specific topic or they may hide their interest from others because they are anxious they won’t fit in (this is called masking).

If you are a teacher trying to figure out what motivates your student, talk with their parents, they will know. Parents, if you are seeing an unmotivated child at home, talk to your child’s teacher to hear what they do during free time at school.

Once you find the interest, you can use it to build trust. Someone who gets our interest makes us feel seen. Understanding a child’s interest will also help you scaffold current skills into learning new ones.

A neurodivergent child’s motivation to try something new may very well not be through social connection to please others, but through connection to interests that are already intrinsically motivating for them.

Let me tell you a story.

When my son was young, he loved Angry Birds. Remember Angry Birds? Well, it started as a fun game we would play together on my phone between dinner and bath time, but then this interest went deep so we dove in. We bought toy Angry Bird characters, slingshots, and building blocks. I wrote Angry Birds-themed social stories. We bought Angry Birds merch. I even made a Bad Piggies Halloween costume BY HAND (this one stretched me) because it was way too specific to buy anywhere. To this day, I still know the names of all the Angry Birds. Yes, they all have names.

Around this same time, my son was uncomfortable tolerating the sensory demands that came with playing outside. He loved launching the Angry Birds characters into block towers inside our house with us, which expanded his connection during play time, but being outside was still too much.

Then, one day it snowed.

Snow in North Carolina is a big deal because it only happens maybe once a year. It was not a big deal to my son. It was too cold out there, clothes were too bulky and it was way safer and warm inside.

This was that tricky moment in parenting when you aren’t sure if you should push your child outside their comfort zone, but you’re also wondering if they might grow from experiencing something new. I decided to go for it.

I told my son that the Angry Birds wanted to go outside. That was it. His face lit up and he was willing to tolerate his sensory discomfort to take his interest into the snow. We weren’t outside very long, just long enough to play the same way he played with them inside, but he got to experience the snow and every year since has enjoyed the snow more and more until he was sledding full-speed down a hill with his brother.

A month later, we were at the beach (because the weather in North Carolina is like that). Sand has always been hard for my son even though he loves being at the beach. So, we decided that the Angry Birds wanted to go to the beach. He didn’t build a drip castle, swim in the ocean, or even put on a swimsuit, and all of his play was the same as it was inside the house, but he was able to focus on experiencing his interest in another, less comfortable location. This is similar to exposure therapy, but with his deep interests in mind.

In other words, we used his interest in Angry Birds to scaffold his mastered skill of playing inside to this emerging skill of playing in the sand. He loved it. Because he was interested in the play, it was worth it to him to change the location. And, he wouldn’t have been able to access this experience if I had tried to verbally convince him to go play in the sand on my terms. He doesn’t care about my terms and that’s ok!

How External Rewards Can Lead to Intrinsic Motivation

So why is this so important? My son was intrinsically motivated to play with his toys of interest and was so interested in them that he was able to tolerate the sensory demands of cold weather and sand. Intrinsic motivation is always preferred because it gives our children a sense of autonomy and pride that is naturally rewarding. Practicing skills is an emotionally difficult experience for many neurodivergent kids, but pairing learning with interests makes it feel more doable.

In a previous post, I explain that there are times to use external rewards as motivation temporarily to jump-start a child’s initiation of a new routine or activity. For instance, sometimes children are too anxious to try things for the first time, but once they are over the hump, then they are intrinsically motivated to try again. If a skill seems too scary due to anxiety or too hard due to weak executive functioning, trying an external reward at first might be helpful.

It’s okay to reward children with executive functioning weaknesses for remembering things. You won’t reward them forever, but you will help them feel successful at first. They will feel proud while learning and that pride will create an intrinsically motivating feeling of success that they will want to repeat.

Once a child feels good about their progress, they no longer need an external reward. Feeling satisfied with their accomplishment IS the reward.

External rewards become problematic when they are used to make children “compliant” with tasks that are too hard for them. For instance, child may be able to override their need for movement by staying still throughout the school day, only to fall apart from exhaustion at home. If we rely on external rewards too long or put too much emphasis on them, we end up encouraging children to ignore their internal body needs to gain access to the external reward of points on a sticker chart, which rarely leads to intrinsic motivation.

What About Rewards Systems and Behavior Charts?

While setting expectations for everyone is important and necessary, popular school-wide systems like Positive Behavior Interventions and Support (PBIS) are problematic for many neurodivergent students. Knowing the behavioral expectations won’t magically make you have the skills to be able to do it. Many students will adjust to the behavioral expectations of school based on a school-wide plan, but some will not be able to. When a student cannot meet school-wide expectations, not due to a lack of trying hard enough, but due to a weakness in their neurodivergent brain, we need to start problem-solving.

As parents and educators, if we see or hear a pattern of a child feeling defeated or negative about themselves, we need to take action. Negative self-talk often means kids are trying their hardest but for some reason believe they should have done better. This is the time to connect and get curious about what is hard for a child in any given situation then balance that with the expectations set before them.

If using an individualized behavior chart to track progress, it must be private. When behavior charts are shown to everyone, these visual systems gain power rooted in earning external rewards from the teacher by being emotionally regulated and compliant.

If we only rely on external rewards to motivate students, we teach them to only seek praise and approval from others and risk silencing their own voice of what feels good to them.

When teachers track student behaviors publicly, such as using clip charts, we add embarrassment and shame to a child’s day that will only lead to more problematic behavior and emotional harm. Ideally, privately tracking a student’s progress helps us identify a student’s lagging skill without shining a spotlight on their flaws.

Making Learning Attainable for All

Neurodivergent students face more challenges in school than their neurotypical peers. This is because they are led through a standardized curriculum that doesn’t always match their variable learning profile. For some, this will build character and grit, while others may feel helpless and lose their motivation. This often looks like they don’t care, but they do. All kids care, but some relinquish their effort because the learning doesn’t feel attainable to them. In other words, it’s easier to “not care” than to continue trying and failing.

We must make learning feel attainable to every child by incorporating their interests and earning their trust. Some students will rise to the expectations set forth by a school-wide plan and some will need strong relationships rooted in trust and paired with interests to make the work of learning feel relevant and worth it to them.

Success is not found in the mastery of an expectation set by someone else. Success comes from a child setting a goal based on their own set of skills and interests, and coming back to try again until they are beaming with pride at their accomplishment. Then, it’s our job to teach them how to go out and find their next goal aligned with their authentic self.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

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Is It a "Can't" or a "Won't"?

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sun, 22 Jun 2025 21:24:00 GMT

In my work with parents raising neurodivergent kids, one of the most common questions I get is, “How do I know what is their disability and what is just refusal?” We have to remember that when children (and adults) refuse to do something, there is usually a reason beyond frustrating the person who is asking. When a child resists a task, they are often fatigued, unmotivated, disinterested, or the task is too hard, too fast, or too much.

Let’s look beyond “non-compliance” to uncover what is really going on. When parenting children with asynchronous skills, there is no specific timeline of milestones to follow. It’s hard to predict when a certain skill will develop, so we have to reframe our expectations from chronological time to developmental time.

Instead of thinking, “My child should be able to do this because they are 12 years old” think, “My child seems ready to unload the dishwasher independently because they haven’t needed my help with that task in months.”

As parents and teachers supporting neurodivergent children in a standardized world, it’s our job to help them meet their full potential by flexing the expectations to meet them just beyond their comfort zone, but not so far that their overwhelm leads to shutdown. Finding this balance takes practice for parents and teachers, but it’s one of the most important ways we can show up for our kids.

Before explaining this further, I want to acknowledge the children and families who are currently in survival mode. My own family has been through seasons of survival mode. We can’t teach new skills when we are in this survival state because we’re trying to get our child to stop hitting, or to start eating, or to sleep enough, or to get out of the car and into the school building. These are big, necessary goals in the life of a child and goals of daily independence and learning academic skills tend to go by the wayside until these essential goals of routine and safety are stabilized.

But once the dust settles, and it will settle, parents and teachers often struggle to set expectations for neurodivergent children. The reason why is two-fold. First, when we’ve seen a child struggle repeatedly with developmental skills, we can think, “Why would I cause them to struggle more by not helping them put on their jacket to go outside?” Second, if a child is quick to have emotional outbursts and likely to go into fight or flight at the sight of a challenge, we may have been conditioned to lower our expectations to calm the outburst.

Sometimes, parents will do anything to avoid another outburst because it’s so emotionally difficult for everyone involved, but we need to be careful to not enable. For example, even when a child is capable of independence, her initial protest may trigger something in her parents that remind them of intense meltdowns of the past. They want to avoid these emotions, so they quickly help to avoid the emotional reaction. But, if they help her sometimes and require independence at other times, she isn’t receiving clear messaging on expectations which can confuse children. So, the best strategy is to figure out if it’s a “can’t” (lagging skill) or a “won’t” (learning helplessness).

The Difference Between a Lagging Skill and Learned Helplessness

At times, we do need to pick our battles, but consistently giving in can lead to learned helplessness. Learned helplessness evolves when we have conditioned our children to expect us to do something for them and, therefore, they don’t even try doing it themselves.

I fell into this trap myself when we were always in a rush out the door in the morning and I was helping my then 4 year old with his shoes so we could get going. One morning, he was lying in the floor whining, “But I just can’t do it without you!” It was his intense dramatization of the moment that got my attention and I thought, “Of course you can, but I haven’t taught you how!” So, we built in extra time for him to put on his shoes while I stood nearby, coaching him and encouraging him, validating his frustrated feelings along the way. This led to him feeling proud instead of helpless. And, yes, we were late some days. If being on time is important, practice these emerging skills of independence on the weekends and wait until the still is automatic for your child to include it in the weekday morning routine.

Learned helplessness can also look like a middle school child not writing down an assignment because they know you will be able to look it up online for them. Or, not confronting their teacher about a test grade in high school, because they know you will email the teacher and handle the situation. You know your child best. If you step back and think, “My child could learn how to do this if I coached them,” then it’s likely learned helplessness.

But when is it a lagging skill connected to asynchronous development? Your best answer for this is to follow the profile determined in a developmental or psycho-educational evaluation. This is one of the reasons evaluations are so important. Once you understand a child’s strengths and needs for support, you will know where you can push for independence and where to teach. But, even without an evaluation, here’s how to tell: If you push too hard on a lagging skill, a child will likely become defeated and give up, leading to emotional stress and negative self-talk. If you hear negative self-talk, it’s likely a lagging skill.

And, just to add to the confusion, it may not be the lagging skill you think. I see this often when consulting with teachers. If a child is complaining about doing schoolwork but YOU KNOW they understand the academic work, the lagging skill might actually their ability to pay attention at that time of day, complete work that is not of interest to them, or they may understand the concepts but struggle with fine motor weakness to write their responses. Let’s get curious and figure out what is getting in their way.

Finding a Child’s Range of Independence

Every child has their own range of independence. I agree with Jessica Lahey, author of “The Gift of Failure,” who recommends figuring out what your child can do and help them put their toe slightly over that line into the next, more-challenging skill. I often break this idea down into three categories:

INDEPENDENCE: What your child can do without support. These are set as expectations within the family and the classroom because they are mastered skills.
LEARNING: What your child is learning and needs coaching on and strategies to complete. Children may receive external rewards while they are learning these skills to promote motivation until they are intrinsically motivated by the satisfied feeling of accomplishment.
LAGGING SKILL: What your child is not yet capable of doing developmentally. These are tasks you are not even asking your child to do yet because they are lagging skills that have not yet developed. If a child receives a consequence or doesn’t earn a reward because of a lagging skill, they will likely feel defeated, engage in negative self-talk, and become avoidant to tasks set before them because not trying is easier than trying and failing.

Expect a child to independently do what they are already capable of without support. Your child will likely need coaching and external rewards (at first) when learning and practicing new skills. When you see a LAGGING SKILL emerging, move it to the LEARNING list. Same goes for LEARNING skills. When your child masters that skill, they no longer need to be externally rewarded for it so move it to the INDEPENDENCE list.

The goal is for your child to be intrinsically rewarded by feeling proud of themselves which is much more powerful in the long run than any points, dollars, or prizes you can provide.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

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Helping Neurodivergent Kids Manage Free Time this Summer

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sun, 15 Jun 2025 10:01:00 GMT

Photo by Hunter Johnson on Unsplash

Well, here it is. Summer.

If you’re raising a child with high energy and a short attention span, you likely feel you have to plan every second of every day and you’re likely already hearing, “but I’m sooooo bored!”

If you’re raising a child with sensory sensitivities who is happy as a clam at home, you might be worried about their vitamin D levels and screen overuse.

With summer comes more free time, which is hard for neurodivergent kids because of executive functioning weaknesses. Executive functioning skills encompass attention, memory, motivation, and self-awareness, all of which are necessary to keep us organized and moving forward. Without structure, some neurodivergent brains wander into blissful creativity while others struggle to come up with any ideas as time passes at the pace of a snail. We’re going to talk about both, but first, let’s talk through the benefits.

The Benefits of Free Time

There is quite a bit of advice out there encouraging parents to promote free time for children. Free time allows children to experience what it's like to be bored, which gives them a chance to be creative, work out differences with siblings, and solve their own problems. Free time encourages independence, provides time and space to practice social skills, and builds resilience when things don’t go as planned.

Exposure to free time is very beneficial for children who are ready to practice independence, have some understanding of the social dynamics around them, and who are able to trust that they are not in danger when something unexpected happens. But, free time can be difficult for children diagnosed with autism, ADHD, or giftedness/twice-exceptionality.

When Free Time Backfires

“The Blissful Solo Player”

For many autistic and anxious children, solo play feels like the safest kind of play. No one enters their space, no one throws off their plan, and if allowed, they never have to transition away from this blissful play to do such boring things as use the bathroom or eat a snack. Many autistic children have superb memories of shows or interactions they may act out in play as well as enthusiastic interests and an ability to hyper-focus that allows them to really enjoy their solo play. For many autistic children, solo play can be a time of recovery after an overstimulating day.

Many parents of "the blissful solo player" are grateful for the time their child entertains themselves so they can make dinner or return emails, but sometimes worry that too much time alone limits their child's opportunities for social practice and language development.

“The Never Leaves You Alone Player”

If your child falls into this category, you’re already nodding your head. These children are either too anxious to play alone, too high-energy to settle into play, or struggle to come up with ideas for play. Therefore, they persistently seek connection from parents who often feel they need to be in the same room or constantly entertaining their child. These play patterns can overwhelm parents so it’s helpful to understand the skill weaknesses that lead a child to rarely being able to entertain themselves.

Children experiencing anxiety may follow you around the house and need support to play in an area of the house where they cannot see or hear you.

Children with executive functioning weaknesses can struggle to plan their play, begin their play, and sustain their attention long enough to stick with their play. This might look like a child who frequently complains of being bored when you see lots of things for them to do or the child who loses interest quickly. Some struggle to come up with ideas for play which has to do with a difficulty visualizing a plan and getting started. These children may wander around and never settle into an activity, unlike a child who has the skills to plan, execute, and create in playtime.

Parents of the “never leaves you alone player” often feel “touched out” and annoyed when they hear “Mom!”. If you feel this way, it’s time to add some structure to your family’s schedule. Here’s how to do it.

Supporting Free Time: Make a routine when there is no routine

First, think about how your child handles weekends and teacher workdays when not much is going on. Are you able to work from home when they are in the house? If not, what works on those days? We know that children benefit from routine, but there are some who really struggle to stay emotionally regulated without one.

Next, actually schedule free time within the routine like you would any other activity. As Kim Hughes, Conscious Discipline Master Instructor, explains: “Where there is chaos, add structure.” I often recommend to frame free time as “free-choice” time rather than an open-ended free for all where "the blissful solo player" may disconnect from the family and "the never leaves you alone player" either interrupts you relentlessly or wanders around aimlessly.

Then, create a visual daily schedule but make sure the schedule is not too detailed. I call this a skeleton schedule. If the schedule is too detailed and something doesn’t go as planned, you could face the additional problem of a child’s emotional upset due to rigidity when plans change. But, if it’s too loose with too much free time then it’s not structured enough. Usually something like the following, written on a white board in your kitchen, does the trick:

Morning List (e.g., dressed, brush teeth, feed the cat)

Breakfast

Morning Activity

Snack

Free-Choice time (provide a menu with 3-5 options)

Lunch

Afternoon Activity

Snack

Free-Choice time

Dinner

Night time List (e.g., bath/shower, brush teeth, stories)

Make this routine consistent and then follow through with morning and afternoon activities, which are chosen by the parent (this can be errands or can be something fun!), and free-choice time, which is chosen by the child. Sit down with your child and create a free-choice menu where they can practice brainstorming things they like to do alone knowing that you will not be available for a certain amount of time.

How This Helps “The Blissful Solo Player”

"The blissful solo player" will benefit from a visual routine with a few tweaks. This child will absolutely love free-choice time, so this is where you have to help them expand their ideas as they grow and develop. The goal for "the blissful solo player” is to successfully transition away from free time play.

You can support this transition by joining them just before the shift needs to happen. Engage with them, ask them to tell you what’s going on in their play, and then help them transition by moving on together. Create a visual STOP sign or PAUSE “button” to place on the play area to indicate that the play is “to be continued” so they know it’s time to move on but they can come back to it later.

(Bonus tip: Teach siblings that when they see a STOP or PAUSE sign on a dollhouse or Lego creation that they do not touch it because it’s being saved for someone’s play later on).

How This Helps “The Never Leaves You Alone Player”

As the expert on your child, you will need to decide what an appropriate time span and location will be for free-choice time. Start with what you think your child CAN do and expand the time frame from there. Some children will need for you to get them started on an activity, be reassured when something is a small problem they can solve on their own, or be reminded when it's okay to come get you for help. Use the time timer to let them know when you are available to be interrupted.

Remember, you are teaching them how to be independent, so encourage and praise their successes. Let them know how helpful it was that you were able to call a friend, check your email, or feed the baby.

Just remember, for most neurodivergent children, more structure is better, visuals are helpful even if your child is highly verbal, and consistent schedules are often magical.

A Note About Siblings

Some siblings are not developmentally ready to play without supervision. If you can’t walk away without someone getting hurt or calling someone an insulting name, your kids might not yet have the social skills to consistently take turns, compromise, and ask for help.

Until at least one sibling has these skills, a parent or sitter likely needs to be in the mix to help keep everyone safe while playing. If siblings are not able to play without supervision, schedule alone time and supervised together time.

Tell us how it’s going in the comments.

Let’s stay connected!

~Dr. Emily

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Why a Diagnosis Is (and isn't) Important

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 26 May 2025 23:13:00 GMT

Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

In my work with parents of young children, many come to me after noticing differences in their child’s development. While all children develop at their own pace, some children experience challenges with emotional regulation, communication, motor, and/or sensory processing skills that leave their parents overwhelmed and wondering if an evaluation is needed.

You likely already know that children need an evaluation to receive support services at school or a clinical diagnosis for insurance to cover therapy. But some parents who privately pay for therapy services or enroll their child in private school wonder: Is a diagnostic evaluation really necessary?

The short answer is "Yes." An evaluation is the beginning of your journey in learning how to connect with and support your child, and how to help others do the same. It tells you where to go next, and without it, you run the risk of your child being misunderstood. Children grow and change over time so having an evaluation in the preschool years to serve as a “snapshot” of how they were developing at that time can be incredibly helpful to look back on when your child is older.

So, how to you decide when it’s time for an evaluation? I always ask parents these questions:

Is your child’s behavior interfering with their ability to settle into sleep, connect with you, calm themselves when upset, or engage in play?

Is their emotional overwhelm causing stress at times of transition, toileting, bedtime, or eating?

Is your child’s emotional overwhelm (behavior) getting in the way of your child getting to school or daycare in the morning, transitioning throughout their day, or learning new skills?

If yes, then it is time to investigate. What are the lagging skills? What are the strengths? What are the triggers? Answering these questions will lead you to plan for the best school fit, the best support at home, and the best interventions. This path leads to your child feeling seen and understood. More on all of this in the workshop below.

Clinical Diagnoses vs. Educational Classification

So, what is the difference between clinical and educational? Psychiatrists, psychologists, and other therapists in the United States use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5-TR) to classify a diagnosis, which is needed for insurance purposes. According to the DSM-5-TR, there are three types of ADHD, one Autism Spectrum Disorder with three levels of severity, multiple types of learning disabilities, and different types of anxiety and depressive disorders.

On the other hand, there are only 13 educational classifications under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), the federal law protecting the rights of children with disabilities to a public education. Therefore, a child’s educational classification is not as specific as their clinical diagnosis. This is fine, as long as everyone working with your child has access to comprehensive evaluation reports and fully understands your child's strengths and needs for support beyond their educational classification. Parent-teacher collaboration begins here and is the most important relationship you can foster during your child’s school-age years.

A Note About Special Education in the United States

Under public education law 94-142, children with disabilities are to be educated in the Least Restrictive Environment (LRE) with their same-age peers to the maximum extent possible. While LRE promotes inclusion, there are some circumstances where learning in a larger group is overwhelming for a child. Smaller special education classrooms are more appropriate in these instances; however, students with disabilities are included with their neurotypical peers in the general education classroom as much as possible. This is why I’m so passionate about helping all teachers, not just special educators, stay up to date of the evolving field of understanding neurodivergent learners.

Resources for Teachers

Special education services, of course, are only available in public schools. Some families choose to homeschool or enroll their child in private school. However, private schools are not required by law to admit your child or provide supports for your child. Your child can also be asked to leave if a private school feels they cannot support your child’s needs.

Facing Your Fear of the Label

I have walked this path as a parent so I understand how emotional the experience of the evaluation process can be. It feels like you’re about to open a door you can never close again. Just trust me, once you better understand your child’s brain, you will never want to close that door; you will want to walk through it with your child and help the rest of the world understand them better.

Every parent experiences this phase differently. Some are so fearful of having their child labeled that they put off their child’s evaluation, delaying much-needed services. Some parents will begin therapies to support their child’s symptoms, but the larger question of what is explaining their child’s developmental needs remains. Others have their child evaluated but wait until their child notices they feel different to explain to them how their brain works.

You will figure out what is best for your child, just know that most parents I work with are so thankful for the detailed evaluation and recommendations of what to do next. Years later, parents are so glad they started the process when they did. Your child deserves to understand how they learn and you can’t help them understand it until you understand it first.

Your Child’s Inner Experience vs. Observable Behavior

In my own training for conducting evaluations, all data collected was based on a clinician’s observations and caregiver’s description of a child’s behavior. But we are beginning to learn more and more about the lived experience of neurodivergence by listening to first-person accounts.

Some children don’t have the communication skills or insight yet to express what they experience, but if they do, we need to listen. For instance, our child’s description of sensory overwhelm or anxiety related to academic demands is not only valid but highly informative to those working with them, especially if their experience doesn’t match their outward behavior due to masking.

What a Diagnosis Is and Is Not

While a diagnosis does not change your child, it should change the perspective of everyone who is working with them. If a child was considered “difficult” or “noncompliant” before the diagnosis, now they are seen as “having difficulty” due to a skill weakness, or “overwhelmed” due to anxiety or sensory sensitivities.

A teacher may have misunderstood a sensory meltdown for “acting-out” behavior, but after a diagnosis we have more information to get curious about what triggered a stress response. A child who was described as "aloof" or "self-directed" before an evaluation, now has parents and teachers who understand that solo play helps them regulate their emotions. Now, they leave solo play uninterrupted and learn how to support emotional regulation and engagement before dysregulation happens.

Remember: No two children are the same. Not even two children with the same clinical diagnosis or educational classification. A comprehensive evaluation will outline your child’s individual differences, but a diagnosis will not.

The diagnosis is never the finish line. It is not where we stop asking questions because we think we understand the child based on one word or phrase. The diagnosis is the starting line, where we begin to understand and ask more questions about how to support, teach, and connect with a child.

Changing Your Mindset

Parents will say, “I don’t want him labeled because I don’t want his teacher to expect less of him.” The truth, however, is that many problematic behaviors are a child's stress response to teachers and parents expecting too much. An evaluation can outline your child’s individual strengths and weaknesses so that you know where to add support for weaker skills while continuing to encourage strengths and areas of interest.

Imagine the child who is very intelligent but who cannot emotionally regulate in order to learn in a classroom. No one can learn without first feeling emotionally safe, which requires us to connect, trust, or engage with those who are teaching us.

Think about how you feel when you are really stressed; not much thinking or learning happens until you feel calm again, right? Or, how would you feel sitting in a classroom where the instructor is only speaking a language you don’t speak. You’d be pretty disengaged, right? We wouldn't expect much from you until you could understand what is being asked of you. If you were required to participate without the necessary skills, you would likely feel anxious, avoid engaging, or quit altogether. So, sometimes, lower demands are exactly what a child needs to feel satisfied with their progress.

It’s Better Over Here

Prior to a diagnosis, there is often confusion about what a child can do versus what they are choosing to do. After the diagnosis, you enter a world where behaviors are seen as stress responses to be solved rather than your child’s “choice.” As your child gains skills, you are better able to see where to set expectations to guide them because you know more about their capacity.

When you accept your child’s diagnosis, you walk through a figurative door, and on the other side is more understanding of your child's strengths, interests, and knowledge of what they need to thrive. It’s better over here.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

"It's May, Hi. I'm the problem, it's May."

Mon, 19 May 2025 00:25:00 GMT

Photo by MD Duran on Unsplash

Just a reminder: My on-demand professional development course The Neurodiverse Classroom for PreK-8th grade educators is on sale through June!

Parents, you can gift a teacher this training by entering the teacher’s email at checkout. More info at the link:

The Neurodiverse Classroom SALE

As a child psychologist, I have the privilege of listening to the stories of families as they experience the ebb and flow of the seasons.

I am here to report that the month of May is the most attention-getting of them all. And so, on behalf of parents everywhere, May, I have some thoughts for you…

Oh, May,

You are exhausting, overwhelming, and quite ridiculous. Just as we have all survived the sickness of winter and the pollen of spring, here you are ready to change it all up on us. You are filled with “last times” and impending change, raising every neurodivergent child’s anxiety.

You have hit my family hard in the past and yet here you are again. One year we had a child finishing preschool and the another graduating from fifth grade. I remember having one son in bed crying about leaving his teacher because he “just loves her so much” (I know, such a good problem) and another son not even able to sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about graduation and “that sad song” he and his classmates would be singing in front of everyone.

I know, May. You are showing up because we asked you to. We adults think it’s super cute to make an even bigger deal out of these goodbyes with ceremonies. Many children like to celebrate, but some do not. Sometimes, I help families decide if their child will participate in your ceremony this year, or if it’s just too much. Too much change in routine, too many people, or it's just too loud. Maybe next year we will consider you again.

But, as if the ceremonies and graduations were not enough, you throw in your end-of-year parties, field days, and musical performances, sometimes in the middle of the day just to watch us sweat. You do know that many of us are at work, right? We probably should just take the entire month off so that we can tend to you. You change our schedules and throw us off our working-parent game that is a well-oiled machine at this point in the school year. May, routines are the glue holding our family together and you’re coming between us.

Then, just when we're ready to be done with you because you’ve beaten us down with the mayhem of rearranging work schedules, finding childcare for one kid so we can be there for the other kid, you waltz in on celebration day and melt our hearts and the tears start flowing.

Our child, who couldn’t handle the chaos last year, is up on that stage looking so proud of himself! Our youngest is FINALLY going to Kindergarten and we don’t even know how to process life without our sweet preschool. Our kid who has struggled to find his place is sad to miss his classmates this summer. Our child, who has struggled throughout school, is receiving an award, an AWARD! We are so proud of them, and so sad it’s over, yet so happy it’s done.

May, you are just too much. But, we'll see you again next year so we can do it all again. Because showing up in community to celebrate progress is what unites us all. And, that look of pride on my child’s face is worth every challenge you’ve thrown at me.

Sincerely,

Proud and Exhausted Parents Everywhere

Keep Learning with Dr. Emily

Guest Blog: 5 Ways to Authentically Connect with Your Autistic Students

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 12 May 2025 16:28:12 GMT

Photo by Yucel Moran on Unsplash

This week I’m sharing a guest blog for teachers from my colleague, Jamie Burch, MA CCC-SLP. Jamie is a neuro-affirming speech-language pathologist who helps parents and professionals better understand and connect with autistic children. Even though we’re in the home-stretch of the school year, ideas for connecting with autistic students are helpful all year round!

Just a reminder: my on-demand professional development course The Neurodiverse Classroom for PreK-8th grade educators is on sale through June! Parents, you can gift a teacher this training by entering the teacher’s email at checkout. More info at the link:

The Neurodiverse Classroom SALE

Now, on to Jamie’s helpful blog!

~Dr. Emily

As educators and therapists, we work hard to help our autistic students acquire new skills. We jump right in, building upon skills they already have and helping them grow, but we often forget the most important piece- connection.

Our autistic students long for connection and to be understood; that authentic connection lays a solid foundation to build upon. Without that, your ability to keep building is limited, as you cannot build on a weak foundation.

Here are 5 tips to help lay the foundation and better connect with your autistic students:

Learn their glimmers and triggers

Triggers are sensory experiences that cause discomfort, distress, and dysregulation, while glimmers are the opposite; glimmers are anything that brings little moments of joy and comfort. Understanding these, before even meeting the student, can be extremely helpful in supporting them. This is where we can lean on the parents’ treasure trove of knowledge!

At the beginning of the school year, sending out “Get to Know You” pages for parents to fill out can be helpful, but you need to ask the right questions. We need to know what causes each child to be distressed, as that can negatively affect their day at school, but the glimmers are just as important. Understanding these little sources of happiness can lead to shared joy between you and your student.

Don’t change their play

We know that children learn best through play. We hear it all the time, and yet, too often, well-meaning educators and therapists are changing how autistic children play daily. Psychology researcher and scholar Peter Gray states the five most agreed-on characteristics of play: It is self-chosen and self-directed; intrinsically motivated; guided by mental rules; imaginative; and conducted in an active, alert, but relatively non-stressed frame of mind. That means that if we are changing how an autistic child plays to look more neurotypical, then what they are doing no longer falls under the definition of play! (Mind-blowing stuff, right?)

Embracing how they play by playing with them, imitating their actions alongside them, is a phenomenal way to create a space for shared joy. Our autistic students know how to play. It may look like acting out scenes from Bluey, categorizing objects, lining things up, or analyzing toys at eye level, but it’s all a form of play for them. Observing and joining in is worth it and a great example to the other children in your classroom or on the playground that all play is okay.

Get to know their sensory profile

The majority of autistic individuals also have sensory processing differences; to truly support them, we need to understand their brains and how they experience the world. Did you know we have EIGHT sensory systems? In addition to the five senses that you’re likely familiar with, there is also proprioception (external body awareness), vestibular (balance), and interoception (internal body awareness). This is a great example of why a team approach and whole-child approach are so important, because leaning on the child’s occupational therapist (if they have one) and using them as a resource for this information can be huge!

If that’s not an option, again, leaning on parents’ knowledge can be helpful! Pay attention to how a child responds to noise, lights, expected and unexpected touch, how and when they move their bodies, and note their reactions to situations throughout the day. What is often seen as poor or attention-seeking behavior is actually just a dysregulated child who needs support. This information is key to understanding how their brain processes information within these different sensory systems, whether overresponsive or underresponsive in each one.

Prioritize safety

When we think of safety, we may think of physical safety, like not getting hurt, but safety for the Autistic Community is so much more than that. For this community, safety means embracing and celebrating their differences so they feel they can be their authentic selves with you. Safety means understanding their sensory differences so you can provide necessary sensory supports throughout their day, so they feel comfortable, understood and loved. It’s advocating for the child and helping them to advocate for themselves, while ensuring they have the tools and supports to do so.

Make a point to ensure your classroom is inclusive and genuinely welcoming to all. Taking small everyday moments to learn about accepting and embracing differences, while highlighting that we are more alike than we are different, and building each other up, is key in setting up our autistic students for continued success with classmates. We both know your job as teacher is so much more than building academic skills; creating a classroom environment that is welcoming to neurodivergent minds is essential for every child to feel safe. And as a bonus, when we feel safe, heard, loved, and understood, we are in a better position to learn!

Embrace Autistic Culture

The Double Empathy Problem, a theory by Dr. Damien Milton, explains autism as a culture. For decades, neurotypical individuals have been expecting neurodivergent individuals to do all of the work when it comes to overcoming communication barriers and breakdowns. It’s been expected that the minority would do the work to appease the majority, but Dr. Milton discussed that the empathy gap goes both ways! Two autistic individuals can successfully communicate, just as two allistic (AKA not autistic) can; the breakdown happens between neurotypes, and blame can’t be placed on the Autistic Community any longer, meaning they don’t need to change!

So what do we do with that information? As a teacher, you have the amazing ability to support not just the autistic students but their allistic peers! Embrace opportunities where you can highlight different ways of communicating, showing joy, and self-regulating. Embracing autistic culture means not forcing eye contact, accepting all forms of play, honoring echolalia, and allowing for processing time. It means teaching everyone that there is more than one way to communicate so that both sides are putting in the work to bridge the empathy gap.

And for a bonus tip: listen to and learn from autistic individuals. The quote, “Nothing about us without us,” is a perfect reminder that if we want to support a community, we need to let their voices lead the way!

~Posted with permission from Jamie Burch, MA CCC-SLP

Resources

https://leader.pubs.asha.org/do/10.1044/leader.MIW.27112022.slp-antiableist-play.22/full/

https://leader.pubs.asha.org/doi/10.1044/leader.MIW.24042019.32

https://leader.pubs.asha.org/do/10.1044/leader.MIW.28112023.slp-neurodiverse-treatment.30/full/

https://reframingautism.org.au/

https://neuroclastic.com/understanding-your-autistic-child/

https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/identity-first-language/

https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/about-autism/

https://reframingautism.org.au/all-about-autistic-meltdowns-a-guide-for-allies/

https://reframingautism.org.au/miltons-double-empathy-problem-a-summary-for-non-academics/

We Don’t Have Time for “Autism Mommy Wars”

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 28 Apr 2025 09:30:46 GMT

Photo by Meghan Hessler on Unsplash

My son received an autism diagnosis at age three after we noticed delays in his speech development, an early reading ability (called hyperlexia), and repetitive patterns in his play. I remember thinking, “at least he’s not hitting people or smearing feces.”

And that thought right there, I now know, is what divides us. We, the parents of autistic children, have become more and more divided between those whose kids have higher support needs and those whose kids have lower support needs. It can be hard for these two groups of parents to relate to each other when managing very different struggles, but we are also each other’s best hope for advocacy.

I know because I’ve been on both sides of the support needs fence.

I don’t remember the first time my son hit me, but I do remember a graph of data being placed in front of me at his IEP meeting. It was a bar graph that showed he had hit staff members 53 times the day before. He had started hitting us at four years old, an entire year before he started hitting at school. This somehow felt like a blessing at the time; at least he wasn’t hitting people outside the family? At least this struggle was private? As I sat in that IEP meeting looking at that graph representing my child’s stress, helplessness washed over me. He had lost all his spoons and so had I.

Spoon Theory

Spoon theory is a metaphor for those living with chronic conditions to help explain the limited energy we experience at any given moment. While autism is not a chronic disease, living in a world surrounded by systems that don’t accommodate your needs is a chronic stressor. Some activities take more of our spoons and some activities replenish our spoons. The harder life is for us, the fewer spoons we have.

Source: Neurodivergent Insights

But “hard” is relative so we need to respect each other’s experience of losing and gaining spoons. It’s human nature to cheer yourself up by comparing your experience to someone else’s “more difficult” experience, but this also creates “mommy wars.”

Whether it’s “mommy wars” about being a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom, sending kids to school versus home-schooling, or [fill in the blank] type of parenting versus another, we have forgotten one very important detail: being able to choose anything in parenting is a privilege.

We Must Check Our Privilege

When it comes to parenting an autistic child, we don’t get to choose the level of support our kid needs. But for parents whose kids have fewer support needs, we need to recognize this as a privilege. This privilege may look like not needing to find long-term adult care for your child because they are able to live independently. It may look like being able to work because your child can tolerate school. It may mean your child is sleeping through the night. Whatever having more spoons looks like for you is a privilege.

I know that I am privileged with an education to understand my child, health insurance to care for my child, a flexible job that allows me to take time off when my child’s needs increase, a public school system that has served his needs over the years, and simply the fact that at age 17 my kid has been able to tolerate school.

Healing the Divide In Our Community

As our child’s primary co-regulators, we act as their shock absorbers, and on some days we have fewer spoons than others. When those of us who are out of spoons looked around at those whose figurative spoon drawers are overflowing, it’s easy to think “they don’t get it” or “they are not one of us.” But, this is how the crack in the autism parenting community widens.

This crack was blown open recently when RFK Jr. arrived on the scene talking about things he knew nothing about. If you felt triggered by his words, you are not alone.

Most parents I’ve talked to felt the same way I did. His words reopened an emotional wound from early diagnosis days when someone told us that our child would never do this or never do that. Many parents of kids with lower support needs were angry at how out of touch RFK’s comments were to the full spectrum of autism while parents of kids with higher support needs felt seen, but also angry that they need more help and aren’t getting it.

Regardless of how much support a person needs, all autistic individuals are worthy of a life where they feel loved, seen, and supported. While our parenting experiences are different, that shouldn’t stop us from advocating for one another. We cannot let politicians, who talk about things they do not fully understand, divide us.

If you realize that you have the privilege of more spoons, use them.

You can reach out to a friend with an autistic child to get to know them. What brings them joy? What is hard right now?

If you sit at a PTA meeting table, ask how your child’s school is supporting students with higher support needs at events so they can come.

When you hear about an autistic child who needs lots of support, teach your children that everyone is worthy of the support they need to thrive.

Learn what happiness looks like for all people, not just through the lens of your experience.

Unlearn that success is academic achievement. Success is a child’s smile, an excited jump or flap, or info-dumping about a favorite topic. Success is emotionally regulated, connected safety.

We Have No Choice But to Get Political

I try to stay out of political discussions. However, when political decisions negatively impact the education and mental healthcare of children with developmental disabilities and their families, I entered to ring.

I believe that all kids and all adults with developmental disabilities have a right to a quality education and health care, which includes mental healthcare. This is where the medical model and the developmental model are at odds.

We don’t cure developmental disabilities like it’s a broken bone to be put back together; it’s so much more complicated than that. We work to support individuals with developmental disabilities by helping them gain skills AND by better aligning the systems around them to meet their needs. Since systems are designed by people, we have to help everyone understand the needs of those with fewer spoons.

Still, awareness isn’t enough. Families need access to evaluation services without months to years long waitlists, therapies that are covered by insurance, public schools that are fully-funded so they can have more support staff, respite care for parents, transition care beyond K-12 school so adults with developmental disabilities can work and live in community with dignity to pursue their very own version of happiness.

You don’t need to have a child with higher support needs to speak up for a family with higher support needs. All you need to do is listen, believe them, and then use your spoons to advocate for them.

How can you help a parent with fewer spoons today? If you’re all out of spoons, how can others advocate for you? Tell me in the comments.

Let’s Stay Connected,

~Dr. Emily

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Was That Behavior Intentional or Can My Child Not Help It?

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 21 Apr 2025 21:00:00 GMT

Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash

One of the most common questions I receive from parents raising neurodivergent kids is this: How do I know if my child’s behavior is because of their disability or if they are doing it on purpose?

Because neurodivergent children present with weaknesses that happen internally, like emotional dysregulation, when they are asked to do something they don’t have the capacity for, the first sign of distress is usually an emotional meltdown.

If we can determine that a child’s behavior is not within their control, but is instead a stress response related to their overwhelm, we can support them rather than give a consequence.

But, neurodivergent kids still need consequences, right? Yes. There are times when all children need boundaries to learn how to be safe and kind. The tricky part of parenting a neurodivergent child is that their skills can feel like a moving target. This rollercoaster is the cornerstone of the neurodivergent parenting journey. Welcome. You are not alone.

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You will continue to parent (i.e., set limits and coach your child), but your only consistent boundaries will likely be related to safety and hurtful language. All the other boundaries you set will be in-the-moment decisions as you determine if your child is ready to emotionally handle the limit (minor upset is ok) and if you are available to co-regulate with them through it.

Start by asking yourself these questions:

1) What is my child having a hard time with at this moment?

2) Is my child open and ready for me to teach them a better way?

3) Or, is my child in a state of stress and needs my co-regulation right now?

Lagging Skills, Learning Skills, and Skill Independence

I’ve previously written about how to figure out whether your child has a lagging skill or is demonstrating learned helplessness. In that blog post, I explain that the best way I’ve found to categorize the moving target of neurodivergent skills is to divide your child’s skills into three phases: Lagging Skills, Learning Skills, and Skill Independence.

A lagging skill is any task your child is not yet capable of doing developmentally, not due to their chronological age, but due to their developmental age, which is unique to every child. These are tasks you are not even asking your child to do yet because the skills for these tasks have not yet developed. For instance, requiring your child to eat a variety of food textures when they are only able to tolerate hard and crunchy. Or, asking a child to sit and wait “like their classmates” when you know they have never been able to control their body for more than thirty seconds.

As children develop, they will enter the learning skills phase where they are trying new things, making mistakes, and gaining skills. When a child is in the learning skills phase, they need coaching from us, visual strategies and reminders to complete tasks, as well as PRACTICE. Children may receive external rewards while they are learning new skills to promote motivation until they are intrinsically motivated by the feeling of accomplishment.

Once a child reaches the skill independence phase, they can do that skill without adult support. These tasks can then become daily expectations because they are mastered skills and children feel satisfied when they contribute to the family or classroom community. This could be a motor skill, like tying shoes without help, or this could be an emotional regulation skill, like calming down without throwing something. If we ask children to do things that tap into a lagging skill while they are still learning, they usually end up having a stress response.

“Intentional Behavior” is Actually a Maladaptive Coping Strategy

When a child is able to remain in their “thinking brain,” or their upper cortex, and experience their feelings at the same time, you might see a reaction that appears more intentional. Examples of these behaviors might look like walking by their brother’s tower and knocking it down in a state of revenge, or breaking all the pencils so that no one in the class can do the writing assignment.

Children are certainly stressed in these moments, but they are able to access enough control over their actions to make a plan to show you how upset they really are. These behaviors are often seen as “on purpose” because they have an element of planning to them. These intentional actions are coping skills, but not good ones. I call these behaviors maladaptive coping strategies.

All children experience upset. Some children learn to cope with upset by watching others solve problems while others learn from the natural consequence like being left out or receiving a low grade.

Many neurodivergent kids with skill weaknesses in executive functioning and emotional regulation can’t just “step it up” based on natural consequences. So, we have to explicitly teach them more adaptive ways to respond. Sure, a consequence will let them know that what they have done was not expected, but without teaching them a better way, they will likely remain stuck in a feedback loop of negative behavior, which will lead to them feeling defeated.

Instead, validate the feeling you see in your child and show them a better way. For instance, once a child is emotionally regulated you can say, “I know you are annoyed at your brother, but if you knock down his tower he will be mad and continue to annoy you. Next time, come get me when you are upset and we will figure out how to talk about it together.” In this moment, you are teaching the adaptive coping strategy of problem solving that will hopefully lead to better results over time.

What If They Are in a Stress Response?

Roughly three parts of our brain are involved when processing emotions: The upper cortex (language and problem solving), amygdala (emotions), and brain stem (fight/flight/fawn). It doesn’t matter how much knowledge your child has about what they’ve been asked to do in their upper cortex, if they are in fight, flight, or fawn due to feeling overwhelmed by the task, sensory demands, fatigue, or hunger, they cannot access their skills and will revert to survival mode. This can look like running, fighting, throwing, hiding, screaming, or going limp. This can also be a time when kids scream things they do not usually say when they are calm.

At this moment of perceived attack, your child’s sympathetic nervous system shifts its energy resources to fight off the perceived threat or flee from an enemy. The enemy could be a saber tooth tiger, a math test, or an adult’s frustrated tone of voice. At this moment, their brain is not in a state to learn a new skill, or even have a conversation, but rather needs co-regulation before any problem solving can happen.

How to Prevent Stress Responses

When you have identified that your child is having a stress response to either the demands or an environment, your role is to keep everyone safe and co-regulate rather than try to set a limit their nervous system can’t handle. Many times, we can get ahead of stress responses with a prevention strategies to support your child if their daily life is full of stress responses like meltdowns, refusals at transition, and separation anxiety.

Prioritize Sleep. Sleep is the foundation of emotional regulation and without it, you and your child will remain in a stress cycle. Sleep first.

Add structure. Reducing anxiety with adding predictable routines and structure to your family’s schedule.

Reduce Demands Until You See Engagement. Cancel activities. Increase Connection. Engage your child in their interests.

Pair Interests with Challenging Tasks. Stressful tasks need to be balanced with something interesting to make it tolerable. For example, listen to your child’s favorite music while you clean.

Tell People Exactly What You Need. Tell your friends, family, and child’s team that stress is high right now so you’re stepping back on a few things. Ask them not to engage in conversation with your child if that is stressful for them. Be specific. Once you have a few adults in your life that know what you and your family are working on, you will feel less stressed, too!

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

Related Workshop Replay…

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Helping Neurodivergent Learners Gain Autonomy

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 23:00:00 GMT

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

If you are raising a neurodivergent child, the uncertainty of their future can feel anxiety-provoking. Will they learn to drive? Will they be able to live on their own? Will they be lonely?

One gift of parenting a child developing on their own time frame is that you appreciate small milestones because you have watched your child struggle and you notice the relief and pride on their face when they are finally able to do it. The flip side of this experience, of course, is not knowing if and when your child will become independent with certain skills and, more importantly, feel a sense of autonomy.

No parent knows for sure what the future holds for their child, but when your child struggles developmentally, making predictions for tomorrow based on your child’s skills today is hard to do. What we can do is financially plan for the future and focus on nurturing their skills today.

Read on for tips on supporting neurodivergent kids who might have a short attention span, narrow (but deep) interests, and limited motivation when it comes to pleasing others (aka, struggling to do things that don’t feel relevant to them).

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How We Encourage Neurotypical Kids to Become More Independent

For our purposes here, I am defining neurotypical as those who are not autistic, do not have ADHD, and are not experience anxiety that interferes with their development. I’m making the assumption that neurotypical children have the executive functioning skills commensurate with their chronological age to manage time, the motor skills to get themselves dressed, the sensory integration to wash their hair and brush their teeth daily, the communication skills to ask for help, and the social motivation to develop these skills because they see others doing these things, too.

When we were growing up, we were expected to do things at certain ages—not based on our skill development. Most of us were expected to be able to tie our shoes by kindergarten, ride a bicycle without training wheels around first grade, and keep up with all of our belongings before middle school. While there is absolutely a need for cultural expectations of independence milestones for children, remaining flexible about when children achieve milestones reduces stress for everyone.

Independence is important for children to develop a sense of power and agency that lowers their anxiety and creates confidence in solving problems and feeling capable in the world. We all want our children to be independent, but the path to get there is not the same for many parents raising neurodivergent children.

Why Neurotypical Expectations Don’t Work for Neurodivergent Kids

Neurodivergent isn’t less than neurotypical. It’s just a different operating system. The problem doesn’t lie in how neurodivergent kids learn, but in how inflexible the systems around them can be.

For instance, many autistic children have deep interests and are less interested in what everyone else thinks about them and more interested in what others think about their interest. They may not be socially motivated to be on time, look “nice,” or have their school work in order. They are usually motivated to do what they want when they want to, dress comfortably, and learn about what they are interest in.

Many ADHD children are not motivated by grades because delayed gratification is hard to feel and the finish line is too far away, if they can even sense it at all. When raising a child with anxiety, you may have noticed that encouraging independence increases stress. The big world is FULL of mistakes to be made! But a little stress to push kids towards gaining new skills is ok as long as it doesn’t send them into an emotional state of fight or flight.

Tips for Motivating Your Neurodivergent Child

Over the years working with neurodivergent kids and families, I have noticed several patterns emerge related to becoming independent when growing up autistic, ADHD, and/or anxious. Here are my top five roadblocks followed by a quick tip.

Hygiene - Make it a positive sensory experience

Many autistic kids and tweens have explained to me that they are not socially motivated to look or smell nice for others (and “nice” is subjective so what does that mean?). It’s just not important to many of them. Many also hate the sensory demands of brushing and washing.

Try this: What feels good to them? Is having clean hair less painful due to fewer tangles? Does being clean make their skin feel less itchy? Many times there is a sensory benefit to being clean and you can help your child make the connection between hygiene and their body feeling better, not looking better.

Daily Routines - Independence before flexibility

Morning and bedtime routines are how we make our homes run smoothly when children are young. Once parents get into a rhythm of getting out the door on time and finally getting everyone sleeping in their own bed, it can feel daunting to think about leveling up to get our children more independent within this routine.

Some parents of neurodivergent kids fall into a pattern of doing things for their child, even after their child is capable of doing things on their own because it’s easier, faster, and avoids emotional upset. But, we have to move on from this place to foster independence in our kids when they are ready. Plus, contributing to the family and household makes kids feel confident and promotes healthy self-esteem!

Try this: Prioritize independence over flexibility. I know you would like for your child to wear a variety of clothing or eat a variety of foods, but many neurodivergent kids are able to become independent before their brain is able to accept flexibility. So, if your child only wears a certain kind of socks, do not wait until they wear a variety of socks: Teach them how to put on the same beloved socks by themselves every day (because the fact that it’s the same every day is likely helping them be successful with the task anyway). If your child only eats yogurt and fruit for breakfast, don’t worry about adding more things yet. Teach them how to fix their yogurt and fruit on their own when you think they can. If your kid won’t take out the trash because it’s too smelly, give them a non-smelly jobs to begin. Independence first.

Time-Management: Make it visual

Many autistic kids and those with ADHD struggle with time-management, a core skill within our executive functioning. Most adults with ADHD continue to access visual supports through apps, calendar systems, and alarms to keep them on track.

Try this: Don’t wait until your child gains more time-management skills to teach independence. Find a system that works for their brain and teach them how to do it independently. For young children, you can create daily and weekly routines in lists on white boards posted in prominent places in your home. If you keep referring them to the schedule or list, they will eventually stop asking you and solve that problem for themselves by going to look at the list before asking you what they are supposed to do next.

Keeping Track of Schoolwork: Teach them how to make a work plan

Speaking of time-management, once your neurodivergent kid is in fifth grade, teachers start talking about how to keep up with all the things in preparation for middle school. An added pain point for most parents is the hybrid online and paper system many schools are using.

Try this: When we were in school, if the homework wasn’t written down in your paper agenda, you wouldn't know what to do. Now, students can check their assignments online, so why pay attention when the teacher is talking about homework?

For neurodivergent tweens who may be able to understand all the content taught in class, but have the executive functioning skills of a younger child, I find it’s helpful to teach them a system that works for their brain.

Here’s how: Sit down with your child and look up all of the assignments online, talk through how many days it will take to do each, and use the paper agenda or a Google doc to document when they plan to complete their work. This way, the online assignment gives the due date, but the paper agenda or Google doc holds the power of the plan.

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Self-Advocacy: Teaching when, who, and how to ask for help

No one on the planet is completely independent. We rely on all kinds of professionals and technology to help us along the way. I can’t service my own car or fix my kid’s broken arm. I also know that I am not the person who should be helping my kid with high school math. We have to learn at some point what are the limits to our independence and when, who, and how do we ask for help?

Try this: For neurodivergent kids with social communication weaknesses or social anxiety, you have to think about outings in your community as practice. For example, going to the same restaurant over and over again can help your child become familiar with it so they only need to work on ordering or asking for extra napkins rather than learning a new menu each time. Again, focus on independence before variety. I would rather a teen know how to order, pay, and ask for a refill at one restaurant than not be able to do any of these skills at any restaurants.

The goal is not for your child to do things in a neurotypical way. The goal is for your child to do things independently in their own way.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

P.S. Share in the comments where you are stuck in helping your child be more independent.

Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Therapy?

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Sun, 09 Mar 2025 21:00:00 GMT

Photo by Natasha Hall on Unsplash

When a child is first identified as autistic or receives a diagnosis of ADHD, a learning disability, or sensory processing differences, parents can feel both overwhelmed by the information and relieved to have a plan. Yet, sometimes this plan is also overwhelming. As a psychologist, I am trained to identify concerns and recommend solutions. The more solutions the better, right? Not always.

While options can be good, every child is unique. Not every therapy needs to happen at the same time and not every recommendation has to be done to promote progress. In fact, overwhelming a child can shut down progress.

The lengthy “Recommendations” section at the end of a neuropsychological evaluation report only includes information from a psychologist. Your child may also receive an evaluation from an occupational therapist, speech/language therapist, or physical therapist. As specialists, we are trained in one area and make recommendations in that area.

When multiple specialists are involved, parents might be receiving recommendations for play therapy, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, medication management, vision therapy, social skills group, academic tutoring, or a combination of all of these. Tired yet? Many parents feel guilty if they don’t do all of the things the experts are recommending.

Workshop: All About Evaluations

Remember how you felt when your high school teachers assigned multiple tests and projects at the same time because they weren’t communicating with each other? Each assignment had a purpose, but all together you were so stressed you didn’t know where to start? Too many therapy recommendations can feel like that, too. Just like children can be over-scheduled with sports practice, art classes, and music lessons, children in need of developmental therapies can also be over-scheduled, too.

Sometimes, less is enough.

So, how do we prioritize one therapy over another?

As one of those “experts” recommending support for your child, let me reassure you: There is a zone of learning for all of us, and your child is no exception.

Yes, too few therapies may lead to a child not progressing as fast as they could with needed support; however, too many therapies can cause children to become anxious or fatigue easily which can lead to shut down, resisting appointments, and not being available for making progress.

There is a middle ground here where optimal learning takes place. If you’re concerned that you might be asking too much of your child, consider these questions:

1. Is my child’s progress in therapy stalling?

Of course we want our kids to make progress quickly, but more therapy won’t always lead to faster progress. We all have a threshold where we are too overwhelmed to learn, and over-scheduled children don’t have room to grow.

For neurodivergent children who tend to be more sensitive to anxiety and easy to fatigue, their developmental progress may stall because their brain is working so hard to manage the anxiety surrounding the sensory needs, fatigue, and hunger they feel on a daily basis. If you are noticing daily fatigue or anxiety in your child, it’s time to lower demands, prioritize rest and connection, and then the progress will come with time.

2. Is my child resisting going to therapy?

If your child won’t join the therapist or won’t even get out of the car after they have enjoyed therapy before, they may be experiencing higher anxiety for some reason, be very tired at that time of day, or the skills they are working on are too hard. Your therapist can guide you in figuring out what’s going on and adapting to help your child feel less anxious and more available for learning.

We also need to be careful about forcing children to go to therapy. While young children may not remember their experiences playing in an OT gym enough to explain them later on, if their body is stressed during therapy, their nervous system may remember some associations from the experience.

School-age children and teens will likely remember their therapy experiences so we don’t want them to have negative memories of being “forced” to go, and resist asking for help as an adult. We can all benefit from therapy at some point in our life, but it has to be on our own terms, when we feel open to it.

This leads into the most important part of the therapy balance, and that is our responsibility as adults to make sure therapy is the right fit for a child’s emotional well-being at that particular time in their development.

Many autistic teens and adults have spoken out about the negative effects of feeling coerced into behavior change through discrete trial training in applied behavior analysis (ABA). While we continue to listen to autistic voices to guide therapeutic practices to become more trauma-informed and neuro-affirming, the most important part of deciding the fit of therapy for our children is their felt sense of safety. Children work hard on skills in therapy, and they should always feel safe and trusting of that therapist—and so should you. If you don’t understand a therapist’s reasons for a certain approach, ask for more information.

3. Are you or other family members overly-stressed due to the therapy schedule?

This is a tough one to define because the entire experience of having a child in multiple therapies can be overwhelming and everyone’s stress tolerance is variable. Yet, there could come a time when the logistics of therapy appointments are stressing parents to the point that it impacts your relationship with your child.

Always prioritize relationships. We have to find a balance between making progress in therapy and maintaining a trusting parent-child connection, because that is part of our children’s progress, too!

4. Do you notice a decrease in anxiety over summer and holiday breaks?

Every summer, when school is out, many parents I work with begin to see their child’s anxiety lift. School is very stressful for many neurodivergent children. The sensory overload, the task demands, and the social expectations keep children’s stress level high most days during the school year. Summer is a reprieve, like someone has loosened the pressure valve and kids can have fun, without long days of expectations to keep up, and without the homework.

If you see your child make developmental gains over the summer due to fewer activities, take notice. Prioritize which therapies your child is making the most progress in and stick with those come fall. Some families even add a therapy in the summer because their child can handle more without the demands of school. Every child is different and you know your’s the best!

5. It's OK to take a break!

Talk to your child’s therapist about the goals they are currently working on and your child’s progress. Sometimes school, play, and family time is a lot of work for kids. Talk with your child’s pediatrician or any of your child’s therapists to decide if you need to pick just one therapy to focus on right now and let them help you decide which one.

On occasion, a child takes a break from seeing me in play therapy to focus on body regulation and motor skills in occupational therapy. Once these skills improve, we continue therapy to greater success. There are also times I see a child reach social goals in play therapy with me and it is time to move on to a group setting to practice their skills with other children. Parents and therapists can monitor a child’s progress and make changes at any time.

Therapy is hard work for children (and for you), so paying attention to stress levels within different seasons of life can be helpful. Ultimately, your child’s stamina, happiness, and forward-moving progress are your guides for making these decisions.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

Guest Blog: Sharing an Autism Diagnosis with Your Child

Emily W. King, Ph.D. — Mon, 24 Feb 2025 11:31:50 GMT

I am thrilled to announce this new children’s book by my colleagues Dr. Katia Fredricksen and Dr. Yael Rothman. Different Thinkers: Autism is a follow-up to their first book, Different Thinkers: ADHD, and both have been so useful to me as a child psychologist working with neurodivergent children.

If you’re looking for the words to help your child understand their brain, check out these books!

Below you will find a very helpful guest blog from Drs. Fredriksen and Rothman on how to talk to your child about their diagnosis followed by a link to my free workshop on the same topic. We hope this helps you on your parenting journey!

Let’s stay connected,

~Dr. Emily

Order Different Thinkers: Autism

Order Different Thinkers: ADHD

Has your child recently been diagnosed with autism? And are you wondering if/how to share this information with them? Here we will explain why it is important for a child to understand how they think and learn, and we will share ideas for how to speak with them about their diagnosis.

First, get comfortable with your child’s diagnosis:

Before sharing information with your child, make sure that you have had a thorough discussion with the doctor/evaluator, that you have all your questions answered, and that you understand your child’s profile.

Many parents are hesitant to share a diagnosis because they worry about their child’s reaction to being “labelled.” They fear that their child will feel badly about themselves and their abilities when they learn about their diagnosis. However, it is important to remember that children are often much more self-aware than we realize. They often have a sense that they are struggling with something, and without an explanation, they are unfortunately prone toward making negative self-attributions (e.g., “No one likes me,” “I’m not as good as my classmates”) and applying inappropriate negative labels (e.g., “I’m weird”).

Telling them about their diagnosis (i.e., giving them an accurate and appropriate label to use) and explaining their individual profile of strengths and weaknesses about how they think and learn can help dispel these misconceptions and create more positive self-attributions.

Decide who will provide the feedback and how:

When they’re ready, parents can enlist the help of their neuropsychologist, psychologist, or pediatrician to provide direct feedback to their child. Alternately, the discussion may arise organically. For example, if your child expresses frustration about something (e.g., “It is so frustrating that my classmates won’t play by my rules,” “I wish I had more friends”), this is an opportunity to initiate the discussion (e.g., “well, I spoke with your doctor and learned why you might be having that experience”).

Then have the conversation:

We recommend using trusted words of your child’s (e.g., “remember when you said…”) or those of a trusted adult (e.g., “your teacher mentioned...” or “I heard from your coach that…”).

It is also important to recognize and discuss the idea that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is important to celebrate those strengths as well as discuss areas of difficulty. You can give examples from your child’s profile and even incorporate some of your own experiences as well (e.g., “you are amazing at solving puzzles, which is a little harder for me!”).

Then introduce the idea of neurodiversity. You can explain how neurodiversity is to human culture as biodiversity is to the ecosystem, helping your child understand that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways, and that there is no single “right” way of thinking, learning, or behaving. You can also emphasize that there are many strengths associated with having a different thinking brain. For example, autistic individuals often are strong at noticing details, can focus passionately on preferred topics (which can be an amazing advantage when channeled into future careers), feel strongly about fairness, honesty, and justice, and care about other people’s feelings.

This leads into naming the diagnosis. You can share that there is a name for this type of profile and it is called autism. Check in with your child to see if they know anything about this diagnosis, and then educate them about it (e.g., “this means that it can be challenging to socialize or communicate in some situations and with certain people and that you may feel more comfortable when things are a certain way”). This is an excellent opportunity to discuss and dispel any misconceptions they may have.

Finally, talk about the next steps, and the plans that are being established to support your child. For example, they may wish to establish relationships with other autistic individuals by joining a group or club or may wish to build relationships with non-autistic individuals by learning to navigate through the invisible rules of friendship with a therapist. They may need access to sensory accommodations such as noise-cancelling headphones or get other accommodations in school such as early notification to any changes in their schedule.

Give your child time to process this information, and provide them with developmentally appropriate resources:

Many children are relieved when they learn about their profile. However, it is also important to understand that your child may not initially identify with the diagnosis and may need more time to think and learn about it. If this is the case, we recommend that you validate your child’s feelings and give them the space and time they need to process the information.

Regardless of your child’s initial reaction, this will be an ongoing conversation, which will evolve and mature as your child gets older. Encourage them to ask questions, and provide developmentally appropriate resources, such as our book Different Thinkers: Autism, which explains brain development and autism for an elementary-aged child. You can also connect your child with peers or family members who have similar profiles, to provide them with a sense of belonging.

Remember that while the neurotypical world can be a little more challenging to navigate as a neurodivergent individual, there are also many advantages to having a different thinking style. Different thinkers can and do make wonderful things happen!

(written by Katia Fredricksen, Ph.D. & Yael Rothman, Ph.D.)

Different Thinkers: Autism on Amazon

Different Thinkers: ADHD on Amazon

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