Parents of Neurodivergent Kids are Really Good at Gratitude

Here's why...

If you are raising an autistic child or one with ADHD, anxiety, or sensory processing differences, you may have had some moments when you’ve looked at others and thought, “I wish it was easier for my child to just sit down and eat with the family” or “Wow, that child just joined right in with that group of kids like it was nothing!”

When your child is achieving milestones on their own timeframe, you quickly learn to surrender to the unknown and embrace the path in front of you. Your child is teaching you many lessons you would have never learned if they had not been your child. You are stronger for it and there is gratitude to be found here. 

I see this unspoken understanding every day in my child psychology practice waiting room. Parents of my clients notice each other and share a silent acknowledgment of understanding in passing. Even without a verbal exchange, I can feel the unspoken message of, “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know it’s challenged you. Me too. So glad we’re not alone.”

This Thanksgiving, I want to remind all parents of this incredibly rewarding perspective. You’ve had to dig deep for moments of gratitude and it has likely led you to a richer life of knowing what’s really important. Here’s how you’ve gotten really good at gratitude. 

1. You appreciate ALL the wins (no matter how minor they seem to others)

Remember when you wanted to have a baby and you had an imaginary child in your head?

Would they like sports like I do?

Would they be musical like their dad?

They’ll for sure go to college. That’s expected in this family.

For some reason, we think we are in control of these outcomes. But, having a child is the ultimate exercise in letting go. This little human is their own little being with their own big plan. You can provide opportunities for growth, but when your child has developmental obstacles, you quickly get used to following their path.

Your expectations for your child have no time frame other than noticing the next skill they are working on. For some it’s a smile, or a point, or sharing a toy. For others it’s walking into a classroom alone, self-regulation after a disappointment, or remembering to bring home an agenda. Whatever the win is, your child has created their own path for achievement and you don’t miss a single moment of progress because you feel SO PROUD when it happens. 

2. You know how to celebrate progress over achievement

This is a lesson many parents don’t learn until middle school when they begin to let their child fail in order to build independence. You are years ahead of the curve on this one. Since all the wins feel so good, you have lost interest in the finish line. You don’t care so much about grades and you just hope your child survives the standardized test without a knock to their self-worth. You care that your child is learning a skill and is making forward progress.

Your child will benefit from your emphasis on progress over achievement. They will know it’s not what someone says about them that defines their success, but what they feel about themselves that makes pride grow and motivates them to master the next skill.  

3. You can spot a small problem from a mile away

Years ago, when I was in a really hard season with my son, I overheard another group of moms complaining about how their child had not been placed in the same class as their best friend. We all have different perspectives that lead to our own struggles, which are ALL valid. However, from my perspective on that day, I remember thinking, “How lucky you are that your child has a friendship so strong that it’s a problem not to be in the same class.”

All problems are relative to our personal experiences. Once you’ve experienced your child getting kicked out of preschool, your child being physically aggressive towards you, or your child having thoughts of self-harm, you get really good at spotting a small problem and letting it go. You have learned not sweat the small stuff because you have to reserve your energy for the big stuff.

4. You have become the most flexible human ever

There is no one more flexible in the world than parents and teachers of neurodivergent youth. You know how to pick your battles. You also have some next-level problem-solving skills. When your kid doesn’t like Plan A and then Plan B falls through, you have a Plan C (or D or E) in your back pocket.

If you’re new here, you may not feel like this yet. Trust me, you will get there and when you do, you will have new skills you never had before. I’m convinced that any random sample of parents and teachers of neurodivergent kids could run a small country. 

5. You see the best in people

Every person suffering in the world was once a child. Instead of “What’s wrong with him?” you understand why trauma-informed therapists say, “What happened to him?” You know that your child is doing her best every day. You know that YOU are doing your best every day.

So when someone makes a mistake or apologizes, you are quick to say, "It’s ok. We’re all doing the best we can." We’re all in this together. This is why we need each other and why we build communities to support each other. 

I am grateful for all of you this year! To all of my clients, parents, teachers, colleagues, blog readers, and podcast listeners I don’t even know, thank you for supporting children, families, educators, and each other!

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

P.S. In 2024, I will be offering monthly workshops online for parents! Our first workshop will be a holiday workshop on Friday December 1st, 2023 where we will talk about how to best support neurodivergent kids this holiday season through travel, free time, interaction with relatives, talking about Santa and more. Learn more at the link!

I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

---

**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**