But Timers Make My Kid Anxious

How to teach time management without causing more stress

If our kids can’t feel time, it makes sense to show them time, right? Well, this only works if they’re ready to handle the anxiety that comes when we realize we are running out of time.

As a child psychologist who works with neurodivergent kids and teens living with anxiety, I have witnessed many stress responses to timers. I’ve seen kids put their hands over their ears at the sight of even a silent timer. I’ve received repetitive questions from kids about how long we have to play in our session. Both of these situations indicate high anxiety about the limits of time in addition to anticipating the startling sensory experience of an alarm sounding when the fun is done.

Why Feeling Time is Important

So, why even use timers? Many neurodivergent kids experience weaknesses in executive functioning and struggle to feel time. We now have research on time blindness and how it’s difficult for people with ADHD to feel the passing of time. We all rely on our executive functioning skills to plan, initiate, sustain attention, and persevere with a task through to completion.

Feeling time is the internal sensation we experience, for instance, when we have one more item on our to-do list and we predict that we can successfully squeeze it in before we have to leave for an appointment.

However, when a person struggles to feel time, they often cannot predict the time frame needed for an activity which leads to difficulty problem solving a needed pivot. Once a person realizes they need to pivot at the last moment, the feeling of not having enough time sets in and leads to anxiety.

How Anxiety Shuts Down Learning

The reason we want to avoid causing additional anxiety is because when we experience high anxiety, we cannot learn or complete the task in front of us. Our amygdala (where emotional functions are located in the brain) hijacks our frontal lobe (where executive functions are located) and we lose the ability to plan what’s next because our brain’s only job at that moment is to keep us safe from a perceived threat.

High anxiety sends most of us into fight, flight or freeze, which is helpful if there is a tiger on the loose or your house is on fire, but sometimes anxiety can be irrationally high and our brains think we are in danger when our body is actually safe.

A critical part of my job as a child therapist is to help children understand that they are safe even when they are uncomfortable, bored, tired, hungry, or annoyed—because their amygdala might be telling them otherwise. In children, fight, flight, or freeze can look like arguing, running, hiding, or a child’s mind going blank. So, adding the stress of being timed on top of a difficult transition can make matters worse.

So what do we do if our child needs time management support yet is anxious?

We can teach kids to feel time by showing them what it looks like. The Time Timer is my favorite tool for doing this, along with the following strategies to minimize additional anxiety.

Use Visual Instead of Digital

If a child is not yet reading a clock, we tend to think digital is best. However, digital clocks do not support teaching the feel of time because they only represent numbers that change and not a visual that represents the passing of time. When a child cannot see the time span getting smaller, they are often startled and even more anxious when the time is up.

Build Trust With No More Alarms

Sometimes when I introduce the Time Timer in my therapy playroom, children immediately look anxious. This is the moment where we sit down to play with the timer and I explain that my timer’s sound is turned off and will always be turned off. Sometimes trusting me and this new plan takes a few sessions, but over time children learn that my timer is silent and we only use the visual movement of the timer to help us track time in the playroom. Remember, the opposite of anxiety is trust so we must establish trust with a child through a predictable routine of using the timer in a way that does not feel scary to them.

Support Transitions with Preferred Tasks

Most of us start out using timers by saying something like, “When the timer goes off, it’s time to clean up.” However, for an anxious child, reminding them of when the fun is done and counting down the minutes until we take the fun away increases anxiety. So, try a predictable routine instead. In my therapy playroom, the child and I create a visual play plan with pictures or written words to check off as we go.

For those who experience strong emotions when leaving the playroom, the last task is something preferred that the parent and I have come up with to support the transition. For instance, I might say, “When the red goes away it will be time to unlock mom’s car” or “When the timer gets to zero, it will be time for your favorite snack in the car.” After a few sessions of this routine, a child’s anxiety tends to reduce because they know they will come back to play with me and the transition of getting to the car distracts them from their anxiety about the play being over. The timer just prompts the next thing on the schedule rather than reminding a child that the fun is done.

How to Teach Waiting

Waiting is one of the most anxiety-provoking situations for children with executive functioning weaknesses who cannot feel time. When will it be their turn? When will their parent be available? When will the teacher call on them? It could feel like one minute or 200 hours!

The trick here is to set the timer for when the preferred activity or person will be available and have the child come get you when it’s time. Keeping track of the passing time will help distract a child from waiting as well as give them a sense of control and autonomy in the process. Using a visual timer for waiting also creates an experience of feeling excited when the timer runs out rather than feeling disappointed when the timer is done.

Do be aware that for this strategy to work, we have to consistently be ready to transition with kids so they can count on us to show up for them.

When to Seek Professional Help

Even with these strategies, some children will continue to experience anxiety about time. This likely means that they may not be developmentally ready to work on the concept of feeling time. Work with your child’s occupational therapist, mental health provider, or teacher to come up with a plan that best supports their emotions at times of transition to build consistency and trust, both of which will help reduce anxiety.

Let’s stay connected!

~Dr. Emily

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I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**