How to Show Up for the Sex Talk Your Kids Deserve
Thank you for reading Learn with Dr. Emily. If you read it regularly, please consider becoming a paid subscriber to support my writing and podcast. Paid subscribers get access to weekly discussion threads, blog comments, and the Learn with Dr. Emily blog archives.
I know you all come here to read my thoughts on raising and teaching neurodivergent kids and teens. But, I’m taking a little detour today because this topic is for all parents.
I was talking to a good friend the other day. We were exchanging stories about how our kids are starting to ask questions about puberty and I was pretty sure that I had grossed out mine by talking about body hair. My friend admitted that our conversation was causing her to break out into a sweat. She’s not alone. Most parents I talk to shutter at the mention of their child being ready for the “sex talk." Here’s the thing: This talk is not just one conversation and it’s not just about sex. Kids deserve to accurately understand their sexual and reproductive health. No more putting this off; our kids need us.
How Did We Get Here?
Most parents freeze up when thinking of explaining where babies come from because they likely have no roadmap. Many of us did not get accurate information growing up and determining when to talk to our kids about sexual and reproductive health is still intertwined with cultural and religious differences. Since many parents feel unprepared for this topic, we may fall back on what our parents did, which is likely not what this generation of kids need.
In my opinion, gone are the days where we can shy away from talking to our children about sex, gender, abortion, race, guns, violence, and suicide. The reality is that our kids have the internet. They have rapid access to ask anything they are curious about. If we don’t take the lead on this, then friends, romantic interests, and Google are the informants. But, Google does not know your child.
I know it’s scary to realize we can no longer stop all the information from reaching our kids, but the answer is not trying to control their access to all the information. In my opinion, the answer is to stay alert and join your child in these conversations, listen to their questions, and give them accurate, developmentally-appropriate information.
Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
Another reason we are ill-prepared to field these questions is because they are always sprung on us. No child ever has said, “Dad, I’m planning to ask you about sex tonight, so be prepared.” Usually, we are driving in the car and fielding questions about penises. At least, that’s my experience.
So, acknowledge your discomfort and notice if it makes you squirm, avoid topics, or make the conversation quick. Because when we shy away from these topics, we likely do a less than adequate job of teaching our children about their sexual and reproductive health, their rights to consent, and the expectations of respecting others’ rights. If you catch yourself thinking your child is not old enough to know the details, putting it off onto our spouse, or leaving out important information, read on for a reframe on how to show up for the sex talks (yes plural) that your kid deserves.
No more excuses. It’s time to show up and do some research. Read about how to talk to your kids about sex from Amy Lang at Birds+Bees+Kids HERE. Read about how to teach consent without even mentioning sex HERE. And then, watch a video about consent with your kids HERE. Our kids deserve to know about their sexual health and their rights to reproductive healthcare.
What Are They Ready For and When?
PRESCHOOL
If we truly want young people to respect each other’s bodies, we must teach them. Generally speaking, preschool children are ready to learn about all body parts and privacy of these parts. We can teach privacy without making it taboo. Teach young children that private parts are the ones underneath their bathing suit. You can use a book like this one to help you explain the real names for reproductive body parts. They shouldn’t show them to anyone other than at a doctor’s appointment (with a parent in the room) or taking a bath and no one should ask to see their private parts.
If you have ever lived with a preschool child, most are not shy about their bodies (yet), so this talk is simply about privacy and safety. In fact, many preschoolers love their little naked bodies and haven’t felt the need to be modest (yet). You can also teach preschoolers about consent to be in someone else’s space. For example, when a sister does not want her brother’s naked body on her bed, we teach the brother to follow that rule because that is her space. When playing in groups on the playground, we can teach kids that if a child does not want to be chased, then we stop chasing them. This takes practice but is the beginning of respecting others.
ELEMENTARY
Elementary children are ready to learn the biology of how babies are made and about upcoming puberty, body changes, and hormones. This is actually the best time to teach it because they are generally not embarrassed by these conversations with you (yet). They may think an idea is gross or silly, but you can laugh about it together. Using books like this one and this one are helpful to teach kids about the functions of their reproductive anatomy. Some of the best conversations happen at this age because kids can learn about people being attracted to each other, but without hormones most don’t care about it yet.
TWEENS
Tweens need to be prepped on the idea that as puberty begins, they may have feelings of attraction towards others. However, they may not act on this attraction unless it is mutual, just like the playground game of chase. Tweens also have some really good questions and if you have established an “ask me anything” relationship, get ready to say you don’t know. It’s ok to not know the best way to respond to a question in the moment, especially if you’re thinking about how much to tell your tween. It’s more than okay to say, “Let me think about that and we’ll talk about it later” so you have time to think through your response. Keep it simple in answering questions and when they stop asking questions, that’s all the want to know for now.
TEENS
As tweens become teenagers, their primary mode of socialization shifts from family to peers and interests, so it’s normal for them to talk to peers even more about these topics. However, they will hear all kinds of things that may or may not be true. This is when you really reap the benefits of the trusting relationship you’ve built so that they can ask you about something they heard or read online. And, yes, they are going to Google things. This is why you want to have instilled a healthy sense of critical thinking in them, so that when they read or hear about something that doesn’t sound quite right, they question it and come to you, or another trusted adult, for clarification.
MORE TIPS
Dads Show Up for Your Girls and Moms Show Up for Your Boys
You may feel ill-prepared to talk about an experience you have never had because you don’t even have those body parts. For instance, when boys ask questions about their penis, moms are quick to say, “Oh, let me get your dad.” When girls ask about their menstrual cycle, dads opt out and run to get mom. Yes, one parent may likely have a better explanation that comes from experience, but when we run out of the room, we send the message that this is an uncomfortable topic.
So, even if your partner does most of the talking, try to be present for the conversation. Logistically, both parents won’t be present for all of these conversations. Single parents have been handling these talks for years. Sharing different perspectives is powerful, and we can share others' perspectives through stories. The intention is that the child receives the message that you are comfortable with any and all questions.
Follow the Questions
As I mentioned before, you do not need to have all the answers in the moment. In fact, you won’t, because it will almost always be a spontaneous conversation. Good teaching is filled with honest conversations and at times you might need to pause, consult a friend, get the book that goes with the conversation, or Google something yourself to get prepared to explain something on your child’s developmental level. Don’t feel you need to over-prepare and have answers to every question that could come up. Just follow your child's questions. Your child will ask you things you can easily answer. Answer their questions and then stop. The rest of the conversation will continue later. Remember, talking about a child’s sexual and reproductive health is never just one conversation. Children are developing human beings who deserve to develop their curiosities in conversations over time.
Consider Individual Differences
Consider your child’s specific brain wiring. If your child is impulsive, you are going to want them to understand their tendency to act without thinking prior to their hormones coming on the scene. If your child is a literal thinker, you will want to teach the ideas of “some people like this and some people don’t, so if someone says stop, you stop" to help them understand the gray areas of consent. If your child has lagging social skills, it is likely that they may develop hormones earlier than they develop an interest in romantic relationships. These are situations in which you may need to reach out to a professional to help walk you through the best way to support your child throughout puberty.
Above all, you want to start early to build your child’s trust when discussing sexual and reproductive health. Building trust means that you have to learn to tolerate these conversations so you can keep showing up as long as your child needs you. You are their safe person with the most accurate information. Google doesn’t know your child’s capacity to understand things, you do. You’ve got this.
Let’s Stay Connected!
~Dr. Emily
**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**