How to Talk to Kids About Their Neurodivergence
Be prepared when this conversation happens
Our children are growing up in schools filled with neurodiverse learners, and while this gives me hope for normalizing the presence of neurodiversity, inclusive mindsets don’t just appear out of nowhere. We have to explicitly teach our kids about their own brains and the importance of respecting the neurodiversity of their peers in order for inclusive mindsets to extend into their future workplace and community.
Understanding neurodiversity is just as important as teaching our children to embrace the diversity in race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, and religion among their peers who are all worthy of love and opportunity in this world. And, celebrating neurodiversity begins with helping children understand their own strengths and needs for support. Once children understand themselves, they begin to realize that everyone has their own constellation of abilities, and when we work together as a group, classroom, or community, we can accomplish things we cannot do alone.
Is it “Neurodiverse” or “Neurodivergent?”
While we are neurodiverse as a population, some of us are neurodivergent. Most people who consider themselves neurodivergent are autistic or have been identified as having ADHD, anxiety, giftedness, learning disabilities, or a combination of these. It’s incredibly important for children and teens to begin understanding their own neurodivergence, especially if academics or social interactions begin to feel difficult for them. We don’t want children to believe they are not working hard enough or that they are less worthy than their peers who can keep up in class or easily make a friend without support. How we advocate as parents for our kids becomes their inner voice as they begin to advocate for themselves.
One of the most frequent questions I get from parents is this: How do I tell my child about their diagnosis? This task feels daunting because no one wants to tell someone that something is “different” about them, especially when that someone is our precious child. You don’t want to hurt them and you don’t want them to ever think they are “less than.” I believe that we, the adults, are actually the ones with the baggage that“different” meaning something negative.
While “different” might mean that something is harder for your child, “different” never means “less than.” So I prefer to not even use the word “diagnosis” and instead focus on abilities and needs for support. We all have abilities and we all have needs, so let’s understand them and support one another.
Below, I take you through what I believe are the top five things to focus on when preparing yourself to talk with your child about their brain. I want you to feel prepared no matter when this conversation pops up for you and your child.
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Focus First on Abilities
Research in the field of positive psychology tells us that we get more of what we focus on. If we only focus on what our children can’t do, we will notice more barriers, more challenges, and more frustration. If we focus on what they CAN do, not only will our children notice their skills but this allows us, the adults, to get creative in helping support them to make these skills evolve in frequency and independence. This is what I want children to know and trust: You won’t be good at everything, but you can be really good at YOUR thing. If you need help with the other stuff, we can figure out a path to get you there.
As writer and educator, Jessica Lahey says: Most of our kids are “perfectly average” and our American education system is designed with a general curriculum for this reason. However, when our children begin to notice their differences, we need to educate them about their brain. We also need to provide them with individualized and differentiated instruction through 504 Plans, IEPs, and gifted and talented programs.
Arm Yourself with Knowledge
One of the most important reasons for your child to receive a thorough developmental or psychoeducational evaluation is to create a roadmap of their strengths and needs for the adults in their life to best understand. This information will also help you teach your child about how they learn, and understand which skills they can do independently, and in which areas they need to ask for help.
While I don’t recommend sharing specific scores from an evaluation with children, understanding ranges of skills can feel enlightening for them. So, consult with the psychologist who completed your child’s evaluation and come up with a plan to teach teach about their brain when they are ready.
“So When Are They Ready?”
Like everything else in child development, there is no magical age. They are all on their own path. And, like other tough conversations, talking to your child about their abilities and needs for support is not a one-time conversation. Usually, children are ready to talk about their learning style when they begin to question their abilities. It’s best to begin talking to your child at the first sign of frustration. Many kids wrongly assume that they are no good at EVERYTHING when they are struggling with just ONE thing. Help them understand why, or if you don’t know why you are going to work with their teacher to figure it out.
Maybe they have noticed that they are awesome at understanding things when talking to people, but then really struggle when they have to put puzzles together. Maybe they have noticed that their brother just shrugs things off and moves on while they have huge upset reactions. Maybe they can understand everything the teacher explains, but they work much more slowly than their peers. Once children begin to notice these differences, it’s time to educate them on their “smarts.”
Understanding “Smarts”
Children are concrete, and many neurodivergent kids are literal thinkers, so explaining visible differences is a helpful framework. Begin by explaining the different abilities that your child can see, such as a classmate with diabetes who needs an insulin pump or a friend who wears glasses. Once they have a solid understanding of varying abilities, you can then explain that there are some differences they cannot see because they are inside our brain.
I like to call these inside-our-brain abilities “smarts” and some are bigger than others (This book from Social Thinking and this book from Imagination Press talk about smarts in a way that I love to teach). Many children assume that academic skills are the only kind of smarts we have. Nope! We have math smarts, reading smarts, music smarts, sports smarts, computer smarts, social smarts, emotional smarts, and the list goes on.
Once children are clear on all of their “smarts,” we can explain to them that there are some “smarts” that are weaker than others and we need a strategy or practice to learn in those areas. Now you can explain the purpose of therapies or tutoring that your child currently has or might remember.
“Remember Ms. April, who you used to play with at OT? She was helping your brain get better at being in charge of your body, especially when you get excited or upset.”
“Remember Ms. Robin, who used to play word games with you? She was helping you grow the part of your brain in charge of talking so you can tell people your ideas with words.”
“And you see Dr. Emily to practice noticing big feelings, how to talk about them, and solving problems with friends so you can have more fun.”
Some Combinations of Strengths and Needs Have a Name
While it’s most important for children to understand their strengths and needs, it’s also helpful for them to understand that some combinations of strengths and needs have a name. This can help them identify with other children or adults who also have a similar pattern of strengths and needs.
For autistic children, it can be helpful to explain that when you have a super “smart” (e.g., listing all US Presidents in order or naming every country on a world map) along with a need for support with language and social development and anxiety and/or sensory sensitivities (e.g., noises, lights, clothing), that this combo of “smarts” and needs is called autism. I intentionally leave out the word “disorder” because I’ve never found that word helpful. A Venn diagram can help kids understand how their strengths and needs combine to make them uniquely them. You can use this visual for any diagnosis so that children can see that their abilities and need for support are all connected.
Imagine this: Disabilities are just a variety of abilities, and some need extra support. Adults can identify needs and compassionately help children, modeling for them to do the same for one another. Once we normalize that everyone has different abilities and needs, children will become more open, curious, and compassionate about everyone’s style of learning so neurodiversity can be understood and celebrated.
Let’s Stay Connected!
~Dr. Emily
I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.
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I love this and wish I had read this many years ago. We told my son he's autistic when he was around seven because he was starting to notice his "difference" and equating it with "badness." There are obviously some things I would do differently in hindsight. Thank you for your writing!