What Drives Motivation for Neurodivergent Youth?

How interests build skills

When I talk to parents and teachers of neurodivergent children and teens, especially those with an autism spectrum diagnosis, I often hear, “I can’t figure out what motivates her,” or “He only cares about video games” or even, “I can’t get them to care about anything.” 

The Power of Interests

Here’s the thing: We are all motivated by our interests, but many of us are also socially motivated to please others. Being socially motivated means you can ignore your own interests for a short time to focus on what’s expected of you at school or work to please the person asking you to do something. Yet, many neurodivergent individuals I’ve worked with over the years explain that they just aren’t that socially motivated, meaning they don’t feel a need to please others unless they know that person really well and trust them.

As adults, we must prioritize connecting with neurodivergent youth through their interests to build trust rather than expecting them to do as we say simply because we asked them to. We also can’t make someone be interested in or care about something that is not their thing. So, if you can’t figure out what your child is interested in, here’s what I want you to know:

I’ve actually never met a kid without interests. (There are times when a child or teen may be experiencing depressive symptoms that lead to feeling a loss of interest in things they were once interested in, and if this is the case talk to your child’s pediatrician or mental health provider about your concerns.) What I’m talking about here is finding the interests of a child when they may just be into one thing or their interests may not align with the world around them. For instance, their interest may be limited to a specific topic or they may hide their interest from others because they are anxious they won’t fit in.

If you are a teacher trying to figure out what motivates a child, talk with their parents, they will know. Parents, if you are seeing an unmotivated child at home, talk with the teacher to hear what your child is capable of when surrounded by peers in the school building. Once we find the interest, we can use it to bridge a child’s current skills to stretch them into learning new skills. The motivation to try something new may not be through social connection to please others, but through connection to interests that are already intrinsically motivating. 

Let me explain.

When my son was young, he loved Angry Birds. Remember Angry Birds? Well, it started as a fun game we would play together on my phone after dinner and before bath time, but then this interest went deep. We expanded beyond the game with the toy Angry Bird characters, slingshots, and building blocks. To this day, I still know the names of all the Angry Birds. Did you know the birds have names? Around this same time, my son was uncomfortable tolerating the sensory demands that came with playing outside. We played with the Angry Bird characters and their slingshot and blocks inside, which he loved and was motivated by for play time with us, but we couldn’t get him to play outside. 

Then, one day it snowed. 

Snow in North Carolina is a big deal because it might only happen once a year. But, it was too cold for my son. Clothes were too bulky and it was more fun, and warm, inside. Then, I had an idea. I told him that the Angry Birds wanted to go outside. That was it. His face lit up and he was willing to push through his sensory discomfort to take his interest into the snow. We weren’t outside very long, just long enough to play the same way he played with them inside, but he got to experience the snow and every year since has enjoyed the snow more and more.

Just a month later, we were at the beach (did I mention the weather is strange in North Carolina?). Anyway, sand has always been hard for him too even though he loves the beach. So, we took the Angry Birds to the beach. No, he didn’t build a drip castle, swim in the ocean, or even put on a swimsuit, but we used his interest in Angry Birds to bridge his skill of playing inside to his skill of playing in the sand. All the play was the same, but he was working on experiencing his play in a new, less comfortable location.

Because he was interested in the play, it was worth it to him.

How External Rewards Can Lead to Intrinsic Motivation

So why is this so important? My son was intrinsically motivated to play with his toys of interest and was so very interested in them that he was able to tolerate the sensory demands of cold weather and sand. Intrinsic motivation is always preferred because it gives our children a sense of autonomy and pride that is naturally rewarding. Practicing skills is an emotionally difficult experience for many neurodivergent kids, but pairing skill development with interests makes it feel doable. 

In a previous post, I explained that there are times to use external rewards as motivation temporarily to jump-start a child’s initiation of a new routine or activity. Sometimes children are too anxious to try things for a first time, but once they are over the hump, then they are intrinsically motivated to try again. If a skill seems too scary due to anxiety or too hard due to weak executive functioning, trying an external reward at first might be helpful. For instance, it’s okay to reward children with executive functioning weaknesses for remembering things. You won’t reward them forever, but you help them feel successful at first, then they feel proud while learning, and that pride will create an intrinsically motivating feeling of success that they will want to repeat.

Once a child feels good about their progress, they no longer need an external rewards. Feeling satisfied with their accomplishment IS the reward.

What About Rewards Systems and Behavior Charts?

While setting expectations for everyone is important and necessary, popular school-wide systems like Positive Behavior Interventions and Support (PBIS) are not enough. Knowing what’s expected of you doesn’t magically make you have the skills to be able to do it. Many students will adjust to the behavioral expectations of school based on a school-wide plan, but some will not be able to. When a student cannot meet school-wide expectations, not due to a lack of trying hard enough, but due to a weakness in their neurodivergent brain, we need to start problem-solving.

As parents and educators, if we see or hear a pattern of a child feeling defeated or negative about themselves, we need to take action. Negative self-talk often means students are trying their hardest but are looking around at their peers and realizing they can’t do what’s expected within the current situation. This is the time to connect and get curious about what is hard for a child in any given situation and balance that with the expectations set before them. 

Even when using an individualized behavior chart to track progress, it must be private. When behavior charts are shown to everyone, these visual systems gain power rooted in earning external rewards from the teacher by being emotionally regulated and compliant. If we only rely on external rewards to motivate students, we teach them to only seek praise and approval from others and risk silencing their own voice of what feels good to them. Further, when teachers track student behaviors publicly, such as using clip charts, we can inadvertently add embarrassment and shame to a child’s day that will only lead to more problematic behavior and emotional harm. Alternatively, when tracking student behavior privately, teachers can identify a students a lagging skill without shining a spotlight on their flaws. 

Making Learning Attainable for All

Neurodivergent students face more challenges at school than their neurotypical peers. They are led through a standardized curriculum that doesn’t always match their variable learning profile. For some, this will build character and grit, while others may feel helpless and lose their motivation. This often looks like they don’t care, but they do. All children care, but they might let go of their effort because the learning doesn’t feel attainable to them.

In other words, it’s easier to “not care” than to continue trying and failing.

We must make learning feel attainable to every student by incorporating their interests and building their trust so learning feels relevant to them. Some students will rise to the expectations set forth by the school-wide plan and some will need strong relationships rooted in trust to make the work of learning feel worth it to them. Success is not only in the mastery of an expectation set by someone else. Success comes from a child setting goals based on their own set of skills and interests, coming back and trying again until they are beaming with pride that they accomplished their goal. Then it’s our job to teach them how to go out and find their next goal. 

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

PARENTS: To keep learning with me, read more about my online course Parenting On Your Own Path. All the info is HERE.

TEACHERS: For more resources, including the FREE Regulation Roster and my online course for teachers, The Neurodiverse Classroom, click HERE.

**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**