Why Mistakes Overwhelm Neurodivergent Kids
...and how to help
I have yet to meet a person who just loves making mistakes. Even for adults, who know that mistakes lead to growth, our nervous system’s first response to a mistake is one of surprise and usually disappointment. No one intends to make a mistake, so we are thrown off when it happens. We have to adjust, whether that’s to clean up something that was spilled, apply first aid if we are hurt, or try a task again, our plan has been interrupted. It’s only natural to have a feeling about this. Mistakes interrupt our plan and break us out of our routine.
As adults, we know the immense value of mistakes. Scientists are the best at making mistakes because even when a hypothesis is incorrect, this is valuable information. Mistakes are so normalized in the scientific community that getting it wrong is expected many more times than getting it right.
Yet, for the rest of us, the amygdala (where our emotions are located in the brain) has pretty uncomfortable feelings about mistakes. Even though we know that mistakes are how we learn (because we’ve lived long enough to see that over time this is true), we still have a brief uncomfortable, disappointed feeling about mistakes. But, we know that making mistakes leads us to adjusting our plan until things improve. In other words, we learn from experience.
Children lack the life experience to fully embrace the delayed gratification needed to believe that mistakes are helpful. Every child goes through a developmental period where they must learn the arc of change that comes with being faced with something that is too hard, needing the motivation to keep coming back to try again, and then the satisfaction of mastering a skill. Most children are able to face these attempts to try again, which not only lets them practice their skills but also helps their brain experience disappointment when making mistakes and the reward of working hard to yield a better outcome.
But what if your hard work does not yield a better outcome?
Let’s view this through the lens of a neurodivergent child with skill weaknesses due to a diagnosis of autism, ADHD, anxiety, and/or a learning disability.
Imagine the child who loses their things.
For a neurotypical child who loses their things, they will receive the natural consequence of not having their thing when it’s needed and over time will learn to recall where those things are located or remember to pack it next time to avoid the inconvenience of not having it and this skill will improve. This is how we develop executive functioning skills: By making a mistake, feeling inconvenienced, and improving the next time.
Yet, a child with ADHD is going to lose their things more often and likely not have the attention span to remember or organization skills to think ahead next time to improve the situation on their own. Therefore, the mistake happens over and over again. The neurotypical child is naturally rewarded by the satisfaction of solving the problem, while the child with ADHD continues to experience the stress of not having the lost item, which leads to this child becoming increasingly sensitive with making this mistake. In the mind of the ADHD child, hard work is not yielding a better outcome. These children tend to engage in negative self-talk because it’s hard to understand how you can be an advanced reader but always forget your water bottle.
Imagine the child who makes an unintentional error on a math problem.
A neurotypical child who makes an unintentional error is likely going to accept feedback from a teacher or parent to check over their work and learn the process of catching their mistake next time. Yet, if you are a student with inattention, anxiety, or you can do the math in your head faster than writing it down, you are likely to make an error many more times than your neurotypical peers. Each time you do this, it’s not because you aren’t trying hard enough or because you aren’t smart enough, it’s likely because you need a strategy to support your attention span. You know you’re smart so it doesn’t make sense that you continue to work so hard yet forget to write the right answer down. Making these mistakes becomes increasingly annoying to this child and they are faster to become upset, break their pencil, or rip up their paper in frustration.
Imagine the child with such high anxiety they have a need to control themselves AND others.
Some children experience such high anxiety that not only do they want to make sure they don’t make a mistake but they are also distressed when others make mistakes. Some kids master the idea that they can control their mistakes (these kids tend to have perfectionist tendencies) but experience high levels of anxiety when their peers, siblings, or parents break the rules, interrupt their play or work, or bring out a stern tone in their parent or teacher. For instance, some children I work with feel anxious when their peers are in trouble due to experiencing the tone of voice in the room. The only way some children know to control this is by trying to control others to prevent this interaction.
Many typically developing children will adapt to the learning process simply by trial and error. They will have the occasional setbacks and upsets, but they learn from them and step up their game the next time. However, our kids with skill weaknesses need the adult and systems around them to bridge the gap between where they are starting on their learning journey and where they want to be: Satisfied and proud of mastering a skill. So when a neurodivergent child is highly frustrated at making a mistake, try these ideas for support…
Below, I walk you through what I believe are the top five ways to support your child when they are emotionally overwhelmed by a mistake. I want you to feel prepared no matter when these moments happen for your child.
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How to Support Neurodivergent Kids
Create a system for them. For many kids trying again once or twice leads to success. But when it doesn’t, we need to show them a new way they can practice on their own moving forward. For children who lose things, they need to learn that everything has a “home” and those items live in that “home” when they are not using it. Let’s start with shoes. Do your child’s shoes have a home? If not, create one, reinforce that is where the shoes stay and your mornings will be smoother! We can’t just tell children to do this, we have to create the system and show them, which leads me to the next step.
Make it visual. A common misconception is that visuals are only for very young children and those who develop language later than expected. Truth is, we interact with visuals all day long and nonverbal communication is one of the most effective ways to connect with each other. To support attention weaknesses, create lists to increase independence and decrease conflict with parents. Create a work plan checklist that includes completing the task, checking over my work, and telling an adult when it’s done.
Give them more time. Most emotional upset from mistakes comes from the added anxiety of getting it right the first time without time for a re-do. There is always time for children to have a re-do. Build in more time for practicing getting dressed, brushing teeth, and packing up in the morning will lead to more practice time and less stress. Practice daily routine skills on the weekend for a while before entering them into your weekday schedules.
Teach the power of YET. Many classrooms have embraced teaching the concept of growth-mindset but for our young and concrete learners this idea can feel too abstract to yield change today. However, when a child knows that YOU believe that they just haven’t figured it out YET, they will keep working. This idea helps them stress less about the time frame and focus on the practice. Neurodivergent children develop on their own timetable and we can’t always predict when a skill will click. But brains develop, kids mature, and they are looking to you as the parent to believe they will eventually be able to do it.
Remind them of how far they’ve come. When I work with kids who engage in negative self-talk or who have become so down that they believe they are “terrible at everything,” I challenge them to think about themselves as a baby. You can even look at pictures and videos to prove your point here. No one is born learning to walk, talk, or read. Many kids laugh when I have them imagine riding their scooter at age two. As adults we know that kids grow and learn over time and with practice, but we need to remind our neurodivergent kids that they are making progress and their brains are growing from every single experience. Even the mistakes.
We have to help our kids feel safe when trying new things and finding their motivation to keep going. And, since neurodivergent kids don’t come with a roadmap, I created one where you can keep learning with me for more ideas. If you feel you need more guidance, read more about my parent course Parenting On Your Own Path at the link.
Let’s stay connected!
~Dr. Emily
**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**