School Refusal: Understanding Why Your Child Won't Get Out of the Car

Sep 05, 2023

people walking on gray concrete road during daytime — Photo by note thanun on Unsplash

As parents and educators, we know that children often experience a “honeymoon” the first day (or week) of the new school year. It’s a time when many children are blissfully distracted by their new outfit, their new backpack, their new teacher, their new pencil, or their new classmates so they often make it through the first few days or weeks just fine.

But at some point, many children begin to settle in, look around and think: “What exactly is going on here? You mean, I come here every day, away from my parents, and learn new, hard things?” It’s at this point that many children begin showing their anxiety because they have just starting feeling their anxiety. It’s also at these moments when parents and teachers begin seeing some resistance to getting out of the car at drop-off, getting into the car to go, getting dressed in the morning, or even getting into bed the night before.

As a child psychologist and former school psychologist, I’ve watched patterns of new-school-year anxiety in children for over 20 years. Here are the most common reasons for school refusal, when to be concerned, and how you can support your child:

Understanding School Anxiety

(1) Learning is a vulnerable experience.

Imagine sitting in a classroom in a country where you don’t speak the language. You are going to feel uncomfortable, unsure, and vulnerable. Even when children all speak the same language, neurodivergent children often have social, communication, and processing weaknesses that make it hard to know what is going on around them, which can create anxiety. If children have academic struggles, they are also going to have some anxiety about how their performance compares to classmates around them. Because learning is a vulnerable experience, we have to make relationships at school feel safe and stable before any quality learning can take place.

(2) They left their safe people at home.

Learning to leave your safe people at home, the ones who have soothed you from the time of your birth, is a big deal for incoming preschoolers and Kindergarten students. This step is such a huge deal that it can take kids anywhere from a week to a month to a school year to fully adjust to this new normal of having a home family and a school family. The most important things parents can do during this transition is to build a relationship with teachers so that you can show your child that you trust the adults caring for them during the day. If you are unsure about your child’s teacher, it’s likely your child can feel your uncertainty which may cause them to feel more anxious when they are away from you.

(3) They can’t predict what’s going to happen.

Traditional school is fulled with lots of new sounds, smells, and crowds that many young children have to adjust to at first. This is one of the reasons that early childhood experiences of group learning, movement, or music classes can be so helpful to expose children to learning in a group. However, with groups comes unpredictable behavior from others.

Things that could be going through your child’s mind are: Someone may not follow a rule, someone may take my toy, or someone might interrupt me. It could be hard to control my body during circle time, pay attention to the rules in the hallway, or know what to say when someone bumps into me. Plus, there could be a funny looking toilet, or a substitute teacher, or a fire drill. Who will help me if I feel scared?

Whatever might feel different to our child during this period of adjustment could cause temporary anxiety. Many times, this anxiety will resolve when they get used to the routines, people, and demands of school. But if anxiety continues, we want to consider making some changes. After all, children can’t learn if they are feeling anxious all day. If their brain is too busy coping with anxiety, there is often little bandwidth left over for attending to learning.

When To Be Concerned

(1) Your child is upset during the school day for an extended period of time.

Many times, children will experience a spike of anxiety (as we all do) right before doing a brave thing. Anxiety, which can look like emotional upset, resistance, or arguing, is thus common when children anticipate doing something non-preferred. For some children this looks like refusing to get out of the car while for others it could look like bedtime anxiety the night before a school day. Many parents are perplexed when teachers report that their child had a great day after a very hard morning; but many times, once children transition into school all is well. It’s the getting through the transition that gives a spike in anxiety. As a child psychologist, I am concerned if a child remains upset or anxious during the school day or begins to speak negatively about themselves when talking about school.

(2) You realize your child’s school cannot support their needs.

We all have great hopes for our children’s future and that includes that they will be capable of learning in school. However, raising children is like building the plane while you fly it. You may begin with the idea that your child will attend one school and quickly figure out that they need something else. Your child may enter Kindergarten in a regular education class but you may soon realize that they need a smaller class with more specialized staff to help them learn.

Decisions to change a child’s school situation are some of the hardest decisions we make as parents because school is such a large amount of how they spend their time, their social community, and how the learn about themselves. Moving your child to a smaller or more specialized classroom or school can feel like you are “lowering the bar” or “giving up.” However, it’s quite the opposite.

I have seen children thrive in smaller, more specialized settings because when they feel more supported, their anxiety is reduced and they are more engaged in learning. On the other hand, keeping a child in an environment that does not meet their needs often risks harming a child’s mental health and love of learning.

(3) Your child’s teacher is concerned they are not making progress.

As a child psychologist, I am often asked to be a parent’s objective sounding board. Many parents feel overwhelmed by making school decisions and it’s hard to know what is their own anxiety triggering something from their past and what is a gut feeling that their child isn’t in the right educational setting. Teachers can also be objective sounding boards. Teachers know when a child is struggling outside the realm of what is expected for that classroom. If your child’s teacher is not concerned, then there is likely no need for you to be concerned. However, if your teacher is concerned that your child is stressed by the academics, social, or sensory demands of the classroom, it’s time to start collaborating on solutions.

How to Support Your Child

(1) Be sure the learning matches your child’s skills.

If your child is faced with learning that is too hard for them on a daily basis, this will cause stress, which will deplete their energy and focus to learn in the first place. Collaborate with teachers on reducing task demands until your child feels capable and confident, then build skills from there.

(2) Build connections and trust between the home family and the school family.

Sometimes, children will “throw their teacher under the bus” when resisting going to school. These are crucial moments when you have to lean on your knowledge and trust of your child’s teacher to align with them as the person you are trusting to support your child in your absence. If you don’t trust the teacher, it’s hard to reassure your child. Make sure your child knows they are safe both at home and at school, and make sure they see that you believe they are safe, too.

(3) Reinforce school routines, predictability, and plans for support.

Once a plan is in place, support your child with the transition to school. Make the mornings predictable and use visual schedules that support communication and increase independence. Sometimes transition objects can help such as taking a picture to show the teacher or opening an encouraging note from a parent when a child reaches their classroom.

Whatever the strategy, remain encouraging and positive to help your child adjust to school while remaining aware that if their distress continues for too long, a change may be warranted. There is no one type of classroom that fits every type of brain. One of our many jobs as parents is to find the just right learning situation for our child so they can grow and thrive into the person they are meant to become.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

School Refusal: Understanding Why Your Child Won't Get Out of the Car

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