How to Decide if Your Neurodivergent Child is Ready for Kindergarten

Ask yourself these 7 questions

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

A generation ago, parents didn’t think about the when of starting school very much. If your child was five years old before the cut-off date for your local school district, then it was time for Kindergarten. But, Kindergarten has become more academic in the last 20 years and we’re learning more and more about the importance of a child’s ability to regulate their emotions before any learning can happen. So, parents are thinking twice about the benefits of that extra year of growth.  

Before we go any further, I want to be clear that being able to even have this choice is a privilege.

Some families send their children to Kindergarten when they are old enough because they need to stop paying for preschool. Some parents need to return to work rather than stay home one more school year with their child.

As much as we don’t want to say that school is child care, it is. A passion for caring for our children’s education is exactly what leads many teacher to keep going in a profession that undervalues their gifts and underfunds their vision.

Most school districts only provide Individualized Education Plan (IEP) services to five year olds in the elementary school building. So, if your child has turned five by the birthday cut-off in your school district then you might not be able to access IEP services outside of public school. This is an important question to ask when you register your child for Kindergarten at your local elementary school as these details differ by school district (and the last time I checked there were 16,800 school districts in America).

All that said, for families who have the choice to delay Kindergarten, deciding if your child is ready can be a tough decision.

So What Does it Mean to Be Ready for Kindergarten?

Kindergarten readiness actually has little to do with a child’s ability to sound out words, write their name, or count to 20. Early educators often share that the most helpful skills to have when entering Kindergarten are independence, problem-solving, and emotional regulation skills. As you can imagine, many parents of young children who have been identified as autistic or have ADHD, anxiety, or sensory processing differences, feel cautious about sending their child into a group learning environment before they are ready.

There is a reason that Kindergarten isn’t First Grade. Historically, children started elementary school with First Grade, but as states began offering grants to schools who added a Kindergarten program in the 1960s and 1970s, districts began establishing Kindergarten classrooms.

To this day, Kindergarten is not even required in some states. In my home state of North Carolina, attending school is only required from ages 7-16. However, we know from developmental and educational research that early education is highly recommended and predicts positive outcomes for students. I share this history to remind everyone that parents do have flexibility in how they support young children, depending on where you live and your circumstances. 

With this flexibility in mind, parents raising neurodivergent learners have some factors to consider when deciding when to start Kindergarten. Here are the most frequent questions I ask parents who are trying to decide between waiting a year or sending them on.

1. Is your child a young 5 or an old 5?

A few months doesn’t seem to matter much to adults, but six to nine months in the life of a child who has only had four trips around the sun can make a big difference. Most birthday cut-offs are somewhere between August 31st and December 31st, depending on where you live, so children born June through August tend to be thought of as being “young for their grade.” Parents of these children most often consider waiting a year. 

It’s also important to consider your child’s temperament, social confidence in groups, and sensitivity to others in close proximity. Can they ask for help when things feel too much?

For autistic children, parents might consider their child’s communication skills and ability to emotionally regulate, no matter what time of year their birthday falls, to give their child one more year of development and social experience in preschool. 

2. Can your child dress and feed themselves independently?

Throughout the school day, it’s incredibly helpful to teachers for most of their students to be able to independently put on their jackets and open packaged snacks on their own. Of course, this is not a deal-breaker for school readiness, but it is something to practice with your child when preparing for independence at school. 

3. Can your child use the bathroom independently?

Most children learn to independently use the toilet around three years old. However, many autistic children and those with ADHD, anxiety, or sensory processing differences need extra time to develop autonomy in the bathroom for a variety of reasons. Some children do not yet feel their internal body signals sent from their bladder to their brain (this is called interoception) and need to learn toileting within a routine until they develop independence. This takes time and support from a trusted adult to practice. Some children experience sensory overwhelm with toilets and echoey bathrooms and they also need more experience mastering toileting in a variety of bathrooms. Independence toileting is also not a deal-breaker for Kindergarten readiness but something parents do consider.

4. Can your child follow a routine?

While most children (and humans) are less anxious when following a routine, following someone else’s agenda all day takes a lot of energy. This is why so many parents say “Why is my kid so well-behaved at school and has meltdowns at home?” Many children “leave it all on the field” during the school day and are exhausted once they get home.

Classrooms are generally run with the same schedule every day and kids tend to get used to it over time. This predictability is comforting to children and necessary for Kindergarten teachers to keep everyone emotionally regulated and feeling safe. Children who attended preschool have experience following a routine, but if your child struggles with transitions, this might be a reason you consider another year of practice for them. Children also might just need some support with routines including visual schedules or social stories to help them understand the WHY behind the schedule. 

5. How well does your child wait?

Ok, let’s be honest. No five year old is good at waiting. Don’t worry, all Kindergarten teachers know this. But, what happens when they are asked to wait? Are they able to be given a job to do while they wait? Do they just need to do a wiggle dance while they wait? Or, does their nervous system become so overwhelmed when asked to wait that they become a puddle of emotions on the floor, become physically aggressive, or run from the classroom? The ability to wait depends on lots of skills including impulse control, emotional regulation, and understanding delayed gratification. Think about when your child needs to wait at home and what helps them wait. Let the answer guide you.

6. How does your child ask for help?

All children need help. Around the age of two years old, children begin expressing their distress either in words or with tantrums, which gets their adult’s attention to help them. A major milestone for children in preschool is the ability to experience frustration, notice it, know what they need, and either seek out a helper or try again on their own. Some children need visual plans to ask for help or calming spaces to retreat while they think about what they need. So, while all children need help, not all of them will know how to get it without pushing a peer, throwing something, or hiding under a table. We have to teach them what to do! Some children benefit from extra time practicing asking for help, either verbally or non-verbally, before Kindergarten.

7. What does your child do when they are frustrated?

Related to the need for help, how does your child express frustration? Are they physical every time their needs aren’t met or are they verbally angry? Children show emotional dysregulation when they go into fight (hit), flight (run or hide), or fawn (give up or collapse). With time and supportive limit setting, children learn to control their bodies when they are upset, but they may not be able to control their words yet. The ultimate goal is to help children use self-control when they feel frustration so no one’s body or feelings get hurt. In order to support the development of these skills, we teach children how to use a calm space while they feel, provide co-regulation, validate their feelings, set limits for safety, and then problem-solve together.

Some children have mastered this self-regulation milestone by age five but many neurodivergent children have not. It’s important to talk through behavior patterns and emotional triggers with your child’s preschool teacher to determine the level of support your child needs when experiencing frustration.

The Bottom Line

If only one or two of these things are currently challenging for your child and they are ready for Kindergarten in other ways, supportive accommodations can often be made through an IEP. However, if you feel your child would benefit from time to mature in most of these areas, you might be considering another year of preschool.

If your child has recently been identified as autistic or diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, or sensory processing differences, Kindergarten is just one of many decisions you are making right now. Be sure to talk with your child’s preschool teachers or care team including their occupational therapist, speech/language pathologist, or play therapists. These professionals work with lots of four and five year olds and will have an opinion for you!

If you know someone trying to make this tricky Kindergarten decision, share this post with them.

If you are further along on this parenting journey, share your Kindergarten lessons in the comments. If you could go back, would you do anything differently?

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**