Simply put, children don’t do everything we ask them to do when we ask them to do it. As adults, we often assume this is because they are not understanding what we said so we try communicating the same expectation again by repeating ourselves, sometimes in a louder and more frustrated voice. If that doesn’t work, our own frustration grows, which can stop us from remaining emotionally regulated and problem-solve what to do next.
We are never our best selves when stressed. Yet, the way we respond in the moment a child doesn’t do what we have asked them to do can do one of two things: either it creates a safe connection for the child to trust us as we align with them to solve the problem or we trigger a defense response in the child if we inadvertently disregard their need for more support.
So, what does this look like in a classroom?
When Pre-K and Kindergarten students start the school year, no one expects them to know what to do. Teachers spend time building trust and safety, a sense of classroom community and routine, and then the learning can begin. As students get the hang of school, this settling into a classroom routine gets smoother each year.
However, many neurodivergent students continue to lack the skills needed to follow classroom routines later into elementary school. Just because a student is older doesn’t mean they have mastered the skills required to “be a student,” which usually involves emotional regulation, impulse control, executive functioning, and social problem-solving skills. It can be hard to remember that an older student may still need support to understand expectations, get started on their own, or negotiate differences with peers. And, this all happens before asking them to engage in any academic learning.
We have to remember that in order to complete a task a teacher has asked a student to do, the student must not only understand what is expected of them, but also needs to feel emotionally safe to begin a task they are unsure about (Remember: Learning is a vulnerable experience) plus they must have the skills to do the thing being asked of them.
When students don’t respond in an expected way, sometimes I hear teachers or school administrators say things like…
“He is choosing to put his head down and not get started.”
“She is choosing to argue with me instead of getting to work.”
“He is choosing to engage in unsafe behaviors.”
Let’s start by debunking the myth that reacting with verbal and physical aggression is a choice. Once children (and adults) are yelling, physically destroying things or are hurting others, they are most likely in a stress response trying to protect themselves from something they perceive as emotionally traumatic or too much for them. In other words, if a child is saying or doing things they would not do when they are calm, this is most likely a stress response, which I talk about in more detail in the blog post at this link.
Stress responses are not a choice. That would be like saying that I choose to run from the grizzly bear I saw in the woods or that I choose to grab my child’s arm when they stepped into the street in front of oncoming traffic. Choosing these responses would imply that I had the time to consider an alternative option and decided that this action was best. When we react to perceived danger, there is no time for a choice. Our brain immediately responds in the best way it knows how to feel safe.
Below, I take your through how to figure out if a child is having a stress response and how to support it. I want you to feel more capable in these moments!
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