Was That Behavior Intentional or Can My Child Not Help It?

How to tell when parenting a neurodivergent child

Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash

One of the most common questions I receive from parents raising neurodivergent kids is this: How do I know if my child’s behavior is because of their disability or if they are doing it on purpose? 

Because neurodivergent children present with weaknesses that happen internally, like emotional dysregulation, when they are asked to do something they don’t have the capacity for, the first sign of distress is usually an emotional meltdown.

If we can determine that a child’s behavior is not within their control, but is instead a stress response related to their overwhelm, we can support them rather than give a consequence.

But, neurodivergent kids still need consequences, right? Yes. There are times when all children need boundaries to learn how to be safe and kind. The tricky part of parenting a neurodivergent child is that their skills can feel like a moving target. This rollercoaster is the cornerstone of the neurodivergent parenting journey. Welcome. You are not alone.

You will continue to parent (i.e., set limits and coach your child), but your only consistent boundaries will likely be related to safety and hurtful language. All the other boundaries you set will be in-the-moment decisions as you determine if your child is ready to emotionally handle the limit (minor upset is ok) and if you are available to co-regulate with them through it.

Start by asking yourself these questions:

1) What is my child having a hard time with at this moment? 

2) Is my child open and ready for me to teach them a better way? 

3) Or, is my child in a state of stress and needs my co-regulation right now?

Lagging Skills, Learning Skills, and Skill Independence

I’ve previously written about how to figure out whether your child has a lagging skill or is demonstrating learned helplessness. In that blog post, I explain that the best way I’ve found to categorize the moving target of neurodivergent skills is to divide your child’s skills into three phases: Lagging Skills, Learning Skills, and Skill Independence. 

A lagging skill is any task your child is not yet capable of doing developmentally, not due to their chronological age, but due to their developmental age, which is unique to every child. These are tasks you are not even asking your child to do yet because the skills for these tasks have not yet developed. For instance, requiring your child to eat a variety of food textures when they are only able to tolerate hard and crunchy. Or, asking a child to sit and wait “like their classmates” when you know they have never been able to control their body for more than thirty seconds. 

As children develop, they will enter the learning skills phase where they are trying new things, making mistakes, and gaining skills. When a child is in the learning skills phase, they need coaching from us, visual strategies and reminders to complete tasks, as well as PRACTICE. Children may receive external rewards while they are learning new skills to promote motivation until they are intrinsically motivated by the feeling of accomplishment. 

Once a child reaches the skill independence phase, they can do that skill without adult support. These tasks can then become daily expectations because they are mastered skills and children feel satisfied when they contribute to the family or classroom community. This could be a motor skill, like tying shoes without help, or this could be an emotional regulation skill, like calming down without throwing something. If we ask children to do things that tap into a lagging skill while they are still learning, they usually end up having a stress response. 

“Intentional Behavior” is Actually a Maladaptive Coping Strategy

When a child is able to remain in their “thinking brain,” or their upper cortex, and experience their feelings at the same time, you might see a reaction that appears more intentional. Examples of these behaviors might look like walking by their brother’s tower and knocking it down in a state of revenge, or breaking all the pencils so that no one in the class can do the writing assignment.

Children are certainly stressed in these moments, but they are able to access enough control over their actions to make a plan to show you how upset they really are. These behaviors are often seen as “on purpose” because they have an element of planning to them. These intentional actions are coping skills, but not good ones. I call these behaviors maladaptive coping strategies.

All children experience upset. Some children learn to cope with upset by watching others solve problems while others learn from the natural consequence like being left out or receiving a low grade.

Many neurodivergent kids with skill weaknesses in executive functioning and emotional regulation can’t just “step it up” based on natural consequences. So, we have to explicitly teach them more adaptive ways to respond. Sure, a consequence will let them know that what they have done was not expected, but without teaching them a better way, they will likely remain stuck in a feedback loop of negative behavior, which will lead to them feeling defeated.

Instead, validate the feeling you see in your child and show them a better way. For instance, once a child is emotionally regulated you can say, “I know you are annoyed at your brother, but if you knock down his tower he will be mad and continue to annoy you. Next time, come get me when you are upset and we will figure out how to talk about it together.” In this moment, you are teaching the adaptive coping strategy of problem solving that will hopefully lead to better results over time.

What If They Are in a Stress Response?

Roughly three parts of our brain are involved when processing emotions: The upper cortex (language and problem solving), amygdala (emotions), and brain stem (fight/flight/fawn). It doesn’t matter how much knowledge your child has about what they’ve been asked to do in their upper cortex, if they are in fight, flight, or fawn due to feeling overwhelmed by the task, sensory demands, fatigue, or hunger, they cannot access their skills and will revert to survival mode. This can look like running, fighting, throwing, hiding, screaming, or going limp. This can also be a time when kids scream things they do not usually say when they are calm.

At this moment of perceived attack, your child’s sympathetic nervous system shifts its energy resources to fight off the perceived threat or flee from an enemy. The enemy could be a saber tooth tiger, a math test, or an adult’s frustrated tone of voice. At this moment, their brain is not in a state to learn a new skill, or even have a conversation, but rather needs co-regulation before any problem solving can happen.

How to Prevent Stress Responses

When you have identified that your child is having a stress response to either the demands or an environment, your role is to keep everyone safe and co-regulate rather than try to set a limit their nervous system can’t handle. Many times, we can get ahead of stress responses with a prevention strategies to support your child if their daily life is full of stress responses like meltdowns, refusals at transition, and separation anxiety. 

Prioritize Sleep. Sleep is the foundation of emotional regulation and without it, you and your child will remain in a stress cycle. Sleep first.

Add structure. Reducing anxiety with adding predictable routines and structure to your family’s schedule.

Reduce Demands Until You See Engagement. Cancel activities. Increase Connection. Engage your child in their interests.

Pair Interests with Challenging Tasks. Stressful tasks need to be balanced with something interesting to make it tolerable. For example, listen to your child’s favorite music while you clean.

Tell People Exactly What You Need. Tell your friends, family, and child’s team that stress is high right now so you’re stepping back on a few things. Ask them not to engage in conversation with your child if that is stressful for them. Be specific. Once you have a few adults in your life that know what you and your family are working on, you will feel less stressed, too!

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

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I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**