Was That Behavior Intentional or Was That a Stress Response?

How to tell when parenting neurodivergent kids

Feb 06, 2023

top view photography of broken ceramic plate — Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash

One of the most common questions I receive from parents raising neurodivergent kids is this: How do I know if my child’s behavior is due to their disability or if they are doing it on purpose?

Because our neurodivergent children present with skill weaknesses that occur internally, like those related to emotional dysregulation and executive functioning, when they are asked to do something they don’t have the capacity for at the moment, the first sign of distress is often avoidance or an emotional meltdown. But consider this: We would never discipline a child with a broken leg for not running a race. So, once we understand that our child’s behavior is not a choice in that moment, but rather a stress response related to the overwhelm of the situation, we support them rather than discipline them. But, there are still times when children need limits to learn how to stay safe and become independent. So, how can we tell the difference?

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When parents ask me how to figure out whether their child is intentionally engaging in a negative behavior or if they are simply having a stress response, I follow up with a series of questions to help parents figure out any observable patterns to the behavior. Once we find patterns, like time of day or certain task demands, we can better determine if a child is developmentally ready to work on a skill or if that situation is sending them into a stress response, such as fight or flight. Both of these moments require something of you as a parent, but your response will vary depending on your child’s needs.

Start with these questions:

1) What is my child having a hard time with at this moment?

2) Is my child open and ready for me to teach them a better way?

3) Or, is my child in a state of stress and need my comfort and understanding right now?

The tricky part of parenting a neurodivergent child is that their skills can feel like a moving target, so they will continue to surprise you with things they can do and things they still cannot do that you thought they had already mastered. This rollercoaster is the cornerstone of the neurodivergent parenting journey. Welcome. You are not alone. You will continue to parent (i.e., set limits and coach your child) but you will be making these decisions in the moment as you feel your child is able to emotionally handle it, always balancing limits with connection and co-regulation.

Lagging Skills, Learning Skills, and Skill Independence

I’ve previously written about how to figure out whether your child has a lagging skill or is demonstrating learned helplessness. In that blog post, I explain that the best way I’ve found to categorize the moving target of neurodivergent skills for parents is to divide children’s skills into three phases: Lagging Skills, Learning Skills, and Skill Independence.

A lagging skill is any task your child is not yet capable of doing developmentally, not due to their chronological age, but due to their developmental age, which is unique to every child. These are tasks you are not even asking your child to do yet because the skills for these tasks have not yet developed. For instance, requiring your child to eat a variety of food textures when they are only able to tolerate hard and crunchy. Or, asking a child to sit and wait “like their classmates” when you know they have never been able to control their body for more than 60 seconds.

As children develop, they will enter the learning skills phase where they are trying new things, making mistakes, and gaining skills. When a child is in the learning skills phase, they need coaching from us, visual strategies and reminders to complete these tasks, as well as PRACTICE. Children may receive external rewards while they are learning new skills to promote motivation until they are intrinsically motivated by the feeling of accomplishment.

Once a child reaches the skill independence phase, they can do that skill without adult support. These tasks can then become daily expectations within the family and the classroom because they are mastered skills and children feel satisfied when they complete them and contribute to the family or classroom community. This could be a motor skill, like tying shoes without help, or this could be an emotional regulation skill, like calming down without throwing something. If we ask our children to do things that tap into a lagging skill or are too fast or too independent while they are still learning, they usually end up having a stress response.

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What is Happening in the Brain During A Stress Response

Roughly three parts of our brain are involved when processing emotions: The upper cortex (language and problem solving), amygdala (emotions), and brain stem (fight/flight/fawn). It doesn’t matter how much knowledge your child has about what they’ve been asked to do in their upper cortex, if they are in fight, flight, or fawn due to feeling overwhelmed by the task, sensory demands, fatigue, or hunger, they cannot access their skills and will revert to survival mode. This can look like running, fighting, throwing, hiding, screaming, or going limp. Parents and teachers usually describe these moments as a child being “out of their mind.” This can also be a time when kids scream things they do not usually say when they are calm.

At this moment of perceived attack, your child’s sympathetic nervous system (SNS) shifts its body’s energy resources to fight off the perceived threat or flee from an enemy. The enemy could be a saber tooth tiger, a math test, or an adult your child doesn’t trust. At this moment, their brain is not in a state to learn a new skill, or even have a conversation, but rather to be calmed and co-regulated before any problem solving can occur.

“Intentional Behavior” is Actually a Maladaptive Coping Strategy

When a child is able to remain in their “thinking brain,” or their upper cortex, and process their feelings at the same time, you might see behaviors that appear more intentional. Examples of these behaviors might look like walking by their sister’s tower and knocking it down in a state of revenge after feeling annoyed at their sister, or breaking all the pencils so that no one in the class can do the writing assignment. Children are certainly stressed in these moments, but they are able to access enough control over their actions to make a plan to show you how upset they really are. These behaviors are perceived as intentional because they have an element of planning to them, but they are actually just maladaptive coping strategies. Let me explain.

All children experience upset. Some children learn to cope with upset by watching others solve problems while others learn from natural consequence of being left out or receiving a low grade.

Many neurodivergent kids with skill weaknesses in executive functioning and emotional regulation can’t just “step it up” based on natural consequences and they may not notice how their peers are solving problems around them. So, we must explicitly teach them more adaptive ways to respond. Sure, a consequence will let them know that what they have done was not expected by the adult, but without teaching them a better way, they will likely remain stuck in a feedback loop of negative behavior, which will lead to them feeling defeated.

Instead, validate the feeling you see in your child and show them a better way. For instance, once a child is calm you can say, “I know you are mad at your sister, but if you knock down her tower she will also be mad and continue to annoy you. Next time, come get me when you are upset and we will figure out how to talk to her together about what she’s doing to annoy you.” In this moment, you are teaching an adaptive coping strategy of problem solving that will hopefully lead to better results for all involved.

How to Help Prevent Stress Responses

When you have identified that your child is having a stress response to either the demands or an environment, your role is to keep everyone safe and nurture them through the stress rather than trying to set a limit when their nervous system cannot handle it. Many times, we can get ahead of stress responses with a few prevention strategies to support your child if their daily life is full of stress responses like meltdowns, refusals at transition, and separation anxiety.

Prioritize Sleep. Sleep is the foundation of emotional regulation and without it, you and your child will remain in a stress cycle. Sleep first.

Add structure. Reducing anxiety with adding predictable routines and structure to your family’s schedule.

Reduce Demands Until You See Engagement. Cancel activities. Increase Connection. Engage your child in their interests.

Pair Interests with Challenging Tasks. Stressful tasks need to be balanced with something interesting to make it tolerable. Sample pairings include favorite music while you clean or matching academic tasks with your child’s interests.

Tell People Exactly What You Need. Tell your friends, family, and child’s team that stress is high right now so you’re stepping back on a few things. Tell them what you will not be showing up to. Ask them not to engage in conversation with your child if that is stressful for them. Be specific. Once you have a few adults in your life that know what you and your family are working on, you will feel less stressed, too!

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

Was That Behavior Intentional or Was That a Stress Response?

How to tell when parenting neurodivergent kids

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