How Motivation is Different for Neurodivergent Kids

Photo by Vanessa Bumbeers on Unsplash

When I talk to parents and teachers of neurodivergent kids and teens, especially those raising and teaching autistic children, I often hear, “I can’t figure out what motivates her,” or “They only care about video games” or even, “I can’t get him to care about anything.” 

Here’s the thing: I’ve never met a kid without interests. As the trusted adult raising and teaching neurodivergent kids, you may have to look a bit closer, especially if a child’s interest doesn’t fit into society’s norm of “expected.” 

The Power of Interests

In general, neurotypical brains are more often socially motivated to please others than neurodivergent brains. Being socially motivated means you can ignore your own interests for a short time to focus on what’s expected of you at school or work to please the person asking you to do something.

Yet, many neurodivergent individuals I’ve worked with over the years explain that they just aren’t that socially motivated, meaning they don’t feel a need to please others unless they know that person really well and trust them.

I’ve also learned from many autistic teens over the years that it’s exhausting for them to fake being interested in something. Many feel they aren’t being true to themselves when trying to please others, which negatively impacts their mental wellness.

As adults, we need to prioritize connecting with neurodivergent kids through their interests to build trust rather than expecting them to do as we say simply because we asked them to.

We also can’t make someone be interested in or care about something that is not their thing. So, if you can’t figure out what a neurodivergent child is into, read on for my tips.

Side note: There are times when a child or teen may be experiencing depressive symptoms that lead to feeling a loss of interest in things they were once interested in. If this is the case, talk to your child’s pediatrician or mental health provider about your concerns because this may be more connected to depression than having deep, narrow interests.

What I’m talking about here is finding the interests of a child when they may just be into only one thing or when their interests may not align with the world around them. For instance, their interest may be limited to a specific topic or they may hide their interest from others because they are anxious they won’t fit in (this is called masking).

If you are a teacher trying to figure out what motivates your student, talk with their parents, they will know. Parents, if you are seeing an unmotivated child at home, talk to your child’s teacher to hear what they do during free time at school.

Once you find the interest, you can use it to build trust. Someone who gets our interest makes us feel seen. Understanding a child’s interest will also help you scaffold current skills into learning new ones.

A neurodivergent child’s motivation to try something new may very well not be through social connection to please others, but through connection to interests that are already intrinsically motivating for them.

Let me tell you a story.

When my son was young, he loved Angry Birds. Remember Angry Birds? Well, it started as a fun game we would play together on my phone between dinner and bath time, but then this interest went deep so we dove in. We bought toy Angry Bird characters, slingshots, and building blocks. I wrote Angry Birds-themed social stories. We bought Angry Birds merch. I even made a Bad Piggies Halloween costume BY HAND (this one stretched me) because it was way too specific to buy anywhere. To this day, I still know the names of all the Angry Birds. Yes, they all have names.

Around this same time, my son was uncomfortable tolerating the sensory demands that came with playing outside. He loved launching the Angry Birds characters into block towers inside our house with us, which expanded his connection during play time, but being outside was still too much.

Then, one day it snowed. 

Snow in North Carolina is a big deal because it only happens maybe once a year. It was not a big deal to my son. It was too cold out there, clothes were too bulky and it was way safer and warm inside.

This was that tricky moment in parenting when you aren’t sure if you should push your child outside their comfort zone, but you’re also wondering if they might grow from experiencing something new. I decided to go for it.

I told my son that the Angry Birds wanted to go outside. That was it. His face lit up and he was willing to tolerate his sensory discomfort to take his interest into the snow. We weren’t outside very long, just long enough to play the same way he played with them inside, but he got to experience the snow and every year since has enjoyed the snow more and more until he was sledding full-speed down a hill with his brother.

A month later, we were at the beach (because the weather in North Carolina is like that). Sand has always been hard for my son even though he loves being at the beach. So, we decided that the Angry Birds wanted to go to the beach. He didn’t build a drip castle, swim in the ocean, or even put on a swimsuit, and all of his play was the same as it was inside the house, but he was able to focus on experiencing his interest in another, less comfortable location. This is similar to exposure therapy, but with his deep interests in mind.

In other words, we used his interest in Angry Birds to scaffold his mastered skill of playing inside to this emerging skill of playing in the sand. He loved it. Because he was interested in the play, it was worth it to him to change the location. And, he wouldn’t have been able to access this experience if I had tried to verbally convince him to go play in the sand on my terms. He doesn’t care about my terms and that’s ok!

How External Rewards Can Lead to Intrinsic Motivation

So why is this so important? My son was intrinsically motivated to play with his toys of interest and was so interested in them that he was able to tolerate the sensory demands of cold weather and sand. Intrinsic motivation is always preferred because it gives our children a sense of autonomy and pride that is naturally rewarding. Practicing skills is an emotionally difficult experience for many neurodivergent kids, but pairing learning with interests makes it feel more doable. 

In a previous post, I explain that there are times to use external rewards as motivation temporarily to jump-start a child’s initiation of a new routine or activity. For instance, sometimes children are too anxious to try things for the first time, but once they are over the hump, then they are intrinsically motivated to try again. If a skill seems too scary due to anxiety or too hard due to weak executive functioning, trying an external reward at first might be helpful.

It’s okay to reward children with executive functioning weaknesses for remembering things. You won’t reward them forever, but you will help them feel successful at first. They will feel proud while learning and that pride will create an intrinsically motivating feeling of success that they will want to repeat.

Once a child feels good about their progress, they no longer need an external reward. Feeling satisfied with their accomplishment IS the reward.

External rewards become problematic when they are used to make children “compliant” with tasks that are too hard for them. For instance, child may be able to override their need for movement by staying still throughout the school day, only to fall apart from exhaustion at home. If we rely on external rewards too long or put too much emphasis on them, we end up encouraging children to ignore their internal body needs to gain access to the external reward of points on a sticker chart, which rarely leads to intrinsic motivation.

What About Rewards Systems and Behavior Charts?

While setting expectations for everyone is important and necessary, popular school-wide systems like Positive Behavior Interventions and Support (PBIS) are problematic for many neurodivergent students. Knowing the behavioral expectations won’t magically make you have the skills to be able to do it. Many students will adjust to the behavioral expectations of school based on a school-wide plan, but some will not be able to. When a student cannot meet school-wide expectations, not due to a lack of trying hard enough, but due to a weakness in their neurodivergent brain, we need to start problem-solving.

As parents and educators, if we see or hear a pattern of a child feeling defeated or negative about themselves, we need to take action. Negative self-talk often means kids are trying their hardest but for some reason believe they should have done better. This is the time to connect and get curious about what is hard for a child in any given situation then balance that with the expectations set before them. 

If using an individualized behavior chart to track progress, it must be private. When behavior charts are shown to everyone, these visual systems gain power rooted in earning external rewards from the teacher by being emotionally regulated and compliant.

If we only rely on external rewards to motivate students, we teach them to only seek praise and approval from others and risk silencing their own voice of what feels good to them.

When teachers track student behaviors publicly, such as using clip charts, we add embarrassment and shame to a child’s day that will only lead to more problematic behavior and emotional harm. Ideally, privately tracking a student’s progress helps us identify a student’s lagging skill without shining a spotlight on their flaws. 

Making Learning Attainable for All

Neurodivergent students face more challenges in school than their neurotypical peers. This is because they are led through a standardized curriculum that doesn’t always match their variable learning profile. For some, this will build character and grit, while others may feel helpless and lose their motivation. This often looks like they don’t care, but they do. All kids care, but some relinquish their effort because the learning doesn’t feel attainable to them. In other words, it’s easier to “not care” than to continue trying and failing.

We must make learning feel attainable to every child by incorporating their interests and earning their trust. Some students will rise to the expectations set forth by a school-wide plan and some will need strong relationships rooted in trust and paired with interests to make the work of learning feel relevant and worth it to them.

Success is not found in the mastery of an expectation set by someone else. Success comes from a child setting a goal based on their own set of skills and interests, and coming back to try again until they are beaming with pride at their accomplishment. Then, it’s our job to teach them how to go out and find their next goal aligned with their authentic self.

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

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I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with me at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**