Photo by Jesús Rodríguez on Unsplash
LIVE workshop on this topic at 10:00am ET this Friday, February 2nd. Details at the link.
One of the most heart-breaking things a parent can hear is a child being mean to themselves. Some children get so overwhelmed at times that they call themselves names, or even worse, hit themselves when they are upset. As adults, we can feel helpless in these moments and are quick to say something to negate our child’s statement like “Of course you’re not stupid” or “Don’t say that; it’s not true.” But, responding with comments opposite of a child’s thoughts can feel dismissive and leave them feeling emotionally alone. So, what is happening for our kids in these moments and how can we support them?
[Note: These ideas are for informational purposes only. If you have concerns about your child’s safety due to physical self-harm or verbal self-criticism, please talk with their mental health or medical provider.]
Why Kids Engage in Negative Self-Talk
They Assume They Should be Good at Everything or They are Good at Nothing
Young children are concrete thinkers and neurodivergent kids can be black-and-white thinkers later into their elementary and teen years even if they are highly intelligent. Concrete thinking can sometimes lead kids into making assumptions like “I am really good at reading so I must also be good at building things” or “Everyone in third grade has a friend and I don’t, so I must be a terrible person.”
Concrete thinkers may see a classmate succeed at academic and social things and therefore assume that their classmate is good at everything.
We know as adults that no one is good at everything, but I bet you can think of a classmate who seemed good at everything. When did you realize that this wasn’t true? We have to help our kids understand that while some of us are neurodivergent, we are neurodiverse as a human population; no one person is good at everything.
They Have Asynchronous Skill Development
Growing up with a neurodivergent brain means that at some point you realize that your skills are slightly unpredictable. Kids need to know that they may be better than their peers at some things and need more support than their peers with other things.
In case you haven’t listened yet, Penn Holderness explains in his podcast interview with me how his creativity and learning in math were much stronger than his ability to control his body growing up. Even though he wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until college, he is grateful for the opportunities he had to lean into his musical and video production interests in school as an outlet for his creative energy.
The sooner we can normalize for our kids that human brain development is not linear, the better. They will likely strengthen skills faster that align with their interests and must work harder on tasks they find boring. This is part of the learning process.
Mistakes Overwhelm Them
Many neurodivergent kids are also highly sensitive and easily frustrated by mistakes. When you pair concrete expectations with sensitive emotions, it makes it hard to process the disappointment of failure. If you’re growing up with impulsivity, you may make mistakes often causing you to be reprimanded frequently by adults, which can lead to feeling like you’re not good at anything. It’s incredibly important that we help our kids understand their lagging skills so mistakes aren’t always surprising. We can then empower them to ask for help so they don’t begin making assumptions that one mistake means they aren’t good at anything.
Below, I walk you through how to support the emotional development of neurodivergent kids and teens. I want you to feel prepared and able to trust that you are the best person to support your child in these moments.
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