Helping Your Neurodivergent Child Become More Independent
If you are raising a neurodivergent child, the uncertainty of their future can feel very anxiety-provoking. Will they learn to drive? Will they be able to live on their own? Will they be happy?
One gift of parenting a child developing on their own path and time frame is that you learn to let go of any plans beyond a school year’s span of time. You learn to remain present in solving the problems and celebrating the wins of today. You appreciate small milestones because you have watched your child struggle to do things and you notice the relief and pride on their face when they are finally able to do it. The flip side of this experience, of course, is not knowing if and when your child will become independent with various skills.
Honestly, no parent knows for sure what the future holds for their child, but when your child struggles developmentally, making predictions for tomorrow based on your child’s skills today is hard to do. What we can do is financially plan for the future and focus on nurturing their skills today. Today, I’m sharing tips on supporting neurodivergent kids who might have a short attention span, narrow (but deep) interests, and limited motivation when it comes to pleasing others (aka, struggling to do things that don’t feel relevant to them).
How We Encourage Neurotypical Kids to Become More Independent
For our purposes here, I am defining neurotypical as those who are not autistic, do not have ADHD, and are not experience anxiety that interferes with their development. I’m making the assumption that neurotypical children have the executive functioning skills commensurate with their chronological age to manage time, the motor skills to get themselves dressed, the sensory integration to wash their hair and brush their teeth daily, the communication skills to ask for help, and the social motivation to develop these skills because they see others doing these things, too.
When we were growing up, we were expected to do things at certain ages, not based on our skill development. Most of us were expected to be able to tie our shoes by Kindergarten, ride a bicycle without training wheels around first grade, and keep up with all of our belongings before middle school. While there is absolutely a need for cultural expectations of independence milestones for children (or else we would have a bunch of exhausted adults helping kids all the time), remaining flexible about when children achieve milestones reduces stress for everyone.
Independence is important for children to develop a sense of power and agency that lowers their anxiety and creates confidence in solving problems and feeling capable in this world. We all want our children to be independent, but the path to get there is not the same for many parents raising neurodivergent children.
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Why Neurotypical Expectations Don’t Work for Neurodivergent Kids
Neurodivergent isn’t less than neurotypical. It’s just a different operating system. The problem doesn’t lie in how neurodivergent kids learn but in how inflexible the systems around them can be. Many autistic children have deep interests and are less interested in what everyone else thinks about them and more interested in what others think about their interest. For instance, they may not be socially motivated to be on time, look “nice,” or have their school work in order. Many ADHD children are not motivated by grades because delayed gratification is hard to feel and the finish line is too far away if they can even sense it at all. When raising a child with anxiety, you may have noticed that encouraging independence increases stress because it’s safe at home with help from those they trust most. The big world is FULL of mistakes to be made!
Tips for Motivating Your Neurodivergent Child
Over the years working with neurodivergent kids and families, I have noticed several patterns emerge related to becoming independent when growing up autistic, ADHD, and/or anxious. Here are my top five roadblocks followed by a quick tip.
Hygiene - Make it a positive sensory experience
Many autistic kids and tweens have explained to me that they are not socially motivated to look or smell nice for others (and “nice” is subjective so what does that mean?). It’s just not important to many of them. Many also hate the sensory demands of brushing and washing.
Try this: What feels good to them? Is having clean hair less painful due to fewer tangles? Does being clean make their skin feel less itchy? Many times there is a sensory benefit to being clean and you can help your child make the connection between hygiene and their body feeling better, not looking better.
Daily Routines - Independence before flexibility
Morning and bedtime routines are how we make our homes run smoothly when children are young. Once parents get into a rhythm of getting out the door on time and finally getting everyone sleeping in their own bed, it can feel daunting to think about leveling up to get our children more independent within this routine. Some parents fall into a pattern of doing lots of things for their child, even after their child is capable of doing things on their own (because it’s easier, faster, and avoids emotional upset). But, we have to move on from this place to foster independence in our kids when they are ready. Plus, contributing to the family and household makes kids feel confident.
Try this: Prioritize independence over flexibility. I know you would like for your child to wear a variety of clothing or eat a variety of foods, but many neurodivergent kids are able to become independent before their brain is able to flex. So, if your child only wears a certain kind of socks, do not wait until they wear a variety of socks: Teach them how to put on the socks by themselves and let go that it’s the same socks every day (because the fact that it’s the same every day is likely helping them be successful with the task). If your child only eats yogurt and fruit for breakfast, don’t worry about adding more things yet, teach them how to fix their yogurt and fruit on their own when you think they can. If your kid won’t take out the trash because it’s too smelly, give them a non-smelly job to begin. Independence first.
Time-Management: Make it visual
Many autistic kids and those with ADHD struggle with time-management, a core skill within our executive functioning. Most adults with ADHD continue to access visual supports through apps, calendar systems, and alarms to keep them on track.
Try this: Don’t wait until your child gains more time-management skills to teach independence. Find a system that works for their brain and teach them how to do it independently. For young children, you can create daily and weekly routines and lists on white boards posted in prominent places in your home. If you keep referring them to the schedule or list, they will eventually stop asking you and solve that problem for themselves by going to look at the list before asking you what they are supposed to do next.
Keeping Track of Schoolwork: Teach them to make a work plan
Speaking of time-management, once your neurodivergent kid is in fifth grade, teachers start talking about how to keep up with all the things in preparation for middle school. An added pain point for most parents is the hybrid online and paper system many schools are using.
Try this: How many of your neurodivergent middle schoolers come home with a blank agenda? When we were in school, if the homework wasn’t written down in the agenda from the board, we wouldn't know what to do. Now students can check their assignments online, so what’s the agenda for? For neurodivergent tweens who may be able to understand all the content taught in class, but have the executive functioning skills of a younger child, I find it’s helpful to teach them a system that works for their brain. Here’s how I teach it: Sit down with your child after school and look up all of the assignments online, talk through how many days it will take to do each, and use the agenda or any paper planner to map out when they plan to complete their work. This way, the online assignment list has a purpose and the paper agenda has a purpose. And, your child has a work system.
Self-Advocacy: Teaching when, who, and how to ask
No one on the planet is completely independent. We rely on all kinds of professionals and technology to help us along the way. I can’t service my own car or fix my kid’s broken arm. I also know that I am not the person who should be helping my kid with high school math. We have to learn at some point what are the limits to our independence and when, who, and how do we ask for help?
Try this: For neurodivergent kids with social communication weaknesses or social anxiety, you have to think about outings in your community as practice. For example, going to the same restaurant over and over again can help your child become very familiar with it so they only need to work on ordering or asking for extra napkins. Again, focus on independence before variety. I would rather a teen know how to order, pay, and ask for a refill at one restaurant than not be able to do any of those skills at a bunch of different restaurants.
The goal is not for your child to do things in a neurotypical way. The goal is for your child to do things independently and feel proud of themselves.
Let’s Stay Connected!
~Dr. Emily
P.S. Share in the comments where you are stuck in helping your child be more independent.
I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults they can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with me at www.learnwithdremily.com.
**All content provided is protected under applicable copyright, patent, trademark, and other proprietary rights. All content is provided for informational and education purposes only. No content is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Dr. Emily W. King and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to you or your child's symptoms or medical condition. Children or adults who show signs of dangerous behavior toward themselves and/or others, should be placed immediately under the care of a qualified professional.**
Thank you for this. It really opens my eyes as to how I can work with my son (who just had his first haircut) to appreciate grooming because it physically feels better to have fewer tangles. I will definitely share with the rest of his village about how independence comes before flexibility. Pediatric shakes, you're next!
Your advice for independence before flexibility is really useful. Still struggling to get my son to write in his school agenda (his EA does it for him). I have posted a simple morning checklist in his bathroom and a weather chart to inform him how to choose the right clothes for the weather. I want to take myself out of the equation as much as possible, but the hard part is getting him to look at the checklists.
Glad to have found your Substack! I'm looking forward to reading more.