5 Ways to Build a Trusting Parent-Teacher Partnership

One of the many reasons back-to-school season is my favorite is that I get to provide professional development to teachers as they return to school. I’ll be heading to five schools over the next week and the fresh optimism of a new school year is always palpable. I know teachers sitting in my trainings are being pulled away from nesting in their classrooms, so it’s important that I value their time with strategies they can use as soon as they meet their students.

Every teacher I meet has said “yes” to showing up for kids this year. But I know there are stressors that that this job difficult. All the data collection, meetings, and testing standards on top of the actual teaching can be overwhelming. However, when I consult with teachers, they report their highest level of stress doesn’t come from the data, testing, or students, but from parents. Gulp.

Yet, in my child psychology practice I hear frustrations from parents about how teachers and administrators need more information to support our neurodivergent students, which I talk about here, here, and here.

We are working within a system that is not designed to organically meet the needs of neurodivergent learners, so we have to work together.

The Importance of Communication

Many concerns stem from a lack of communication. I encourage parents every day to embrace the mindset of “no news is good news” because teachers have a lot of responsibilities outside of classroom time and unless there is a significant concern to share, no news really is good news.

When a teacher has time to share a positive anecdote, this is often a sign that they not only understand the value of a win for your child, but they are likely supported enough by their school administration to have time to tell you about it. 

While communication is paramount in helping parents and educators work together to support a child, the most important factor in establishing and maintaining these relationships is trust. Without trust, simple every-day interactions can go one of two ways:

If parents don’t hear from a teacher they trust, they think, “No news is good news! She will let me know if there is a concern.” In other words, they trust her judgment to be their child’s person throughout the school day.

If they don’t hear from a teacher they don’t trust, it’s easy to think, “I’m frustrated he is not communicating with me. How will I know how things are going at school?

I’ve worked hard over the years to establish trusting relationships with my own children’s teachers, which has led to partnerships beyond what I could have imagined.

My Perspective as a Parent

I have never been a teacher. I can only imagine what it feels like to make connections with 20-30 children at once, plan a lesson that is only appropriate for a some and must be adapted for others, all while meeting the expectations of the principal, school district, and multiple Individual Education Plans and 504 Plans. It is the hardest and most important job out there because nurturing young learners is the the future foundation of our communities. 

However, I have worked in public schools as a school psychologist and have been in countless classrooms observing students and their interactions with teachers. But, when my own kids started school I had to learn how to build relationships from the outside in.

One of my first interactions with my son’s preschool teacher was when they shared their developmental concerns for him. Again, a parent’s reaction here goes one of two ways: If you trust this teacher, you believe her and you work together figuring out how to best support your child. However, if you don’t trust them, you question, you rationalize, and your child might not get the support they need.

This fall, I will have a 6th grader and a 12 the grader and I believe my partnership with their teachers has been a key factor in their success. I want parents and teachers to know that this trusting relationship is possible.

I’ve also asked several educators I trust to share their perspectives. Perhaps something here can help you foster a partnership with your child’s teacher or speak to you as an educator about building connections with parents.

1. Parents: Get Involved!

In order for parents to trust teachers and school staff, we must know them. If your only interaction with teachers is when something is wrong, this will not build a trusting partnership.

So, how can you show up? Give your gratitude, time, money, or donated supplies, but show that you are in support of the job teachers are doing for all students. I’m of the mindset that for every parent who volunteers, there are five or so more parents who cannot volunteer due to working multiple jobs or having young children at home.

So, if you can volunteer, be present not only for your child but for their classmates as well. Be a classroom helper, be a field trip chaperone, organize books in the school library, and join the PTA. Some of my strongest relationships with teachers and administrators were built through interactions I’ve had during PTA meetings and events.

If you can’t volunteer, be kind and helpful over email so your child’s teacher knows you are ready and willing to collaborate.

When you present yourself as collaborative, teachers will predict that you’ll be helpful in parent-teacher conferences and IEP meetings, too. They will be appreciative of your time and this builds trust. You will also see them in action with your child, which will build your trust in them.

2. Teachers & Parents: Communicate (with boundaries!)

Don’t let the only time for communication be in the carpool line. No one can build a trusting relationship there. Establish the best way to contact each other and stick to it. Try not to communicate when you are anxious or angry. When it comes to email, use the tried and true method of “write it, but don’t send it.” Sleep on it and have your partner or colleague look it over.

Parents, if you wouldn’t say it to a co-worker, don’t say it to a teacher. It’s a collaborative partnership and the project is your child. So, don’t let your emotions hijack the project.

“When a parent comes across as accusatory when you express a concern or share data, it makes me more hesitant to reach out.” – Special Education Teacher

Parents, I know you feel you want to protect your child when you don’t think they are getting what they need, but have you ever wanted to collaborate with someone who is angry with you? If teachers are walking on eggshells around you due to a previous interaction, they may not share as much information with you as you would get in a trusting relationship.

When teachers predict that you’ll be collaborative, they look forward to sharing information with you, which will lead to solving problems faster and more effectively for your child. One day soon, our kids will advocate for themselves but until then, they are watching how we interact with each other. If working collaboratively with teachers is difficult for you due to your own past experiences, seek support for yourself so that you can show up for your child.

Teachers, know that some parents are triggered by interactions with educators because of negative experiences from their own schooling. Help parents refocus to collaboratively problem-solve this task:  What does this child need? They need for you to be open and available to communicate, advocating for them if something isn’t in their best interest. 

“Parents are parenting to the extent they know how to. When everyone knows more, we all do better and are more effective. Parents, keep sending your child to school on time and support academic and behavior growth. Let's grow as a community to be more effective.” – Special Education Teacher

3. Parents: The More Information the Better

This is a big one. In my work with neurodivergent children, parents are often scared that their child will be wrongly labeled or judged based on an evaluation report or the opinion of a previous teacher. In my experience, more information is best and without it, teachers may not understand your child as well as they could. 

“It truly takes a team and when parents and teachers are on the same page and work together, that creates much more success! I would say it is helpful when parents share information in the beginning of the year about their child. Parents know their kids best and when I can come in with some awareness around what the student likes, what his/her strengths are, and what some of the challenges are, it can help me get off to a good start.” – Special Education Teacher

“I believe parents first trust us by sending their students to us, believing that we will do all we can to help students grow throughout the year. It is always helpful for parents to share information that they feel might impact their child while learning in school.” – Assistant Principal

So, start off the school year with an email to all teachers about getting to know your child. You are the expert! Tell them what works, what doesn’t work, what to look for, and position yourself as a supportive and available partner in this journey.

4. Educators: It’s All About the Administration

At the end of the day, the cornerstone of a trusting relationship between parents and teachers is modeled first by the principal and assistant principal. The principal sets the tone of the school and is a role model for teachers. Like any job, when staff feel supported, they want to give their best.

Schools earn reputations for having great teachers, and for being a great place to work just like any other company. High test scores and nice facilities are important to many people, but I truly believe that good schools are created by excellent educators. It’s the people and the relationships that make the difference.

“I work really hard to establish trusting relationships. In my role, those relationships only get stronger from year to year. I think the parent-teacher trust is more difficult to build because of the yearly changes…some turnover is good and I wish that was reflected. We always encourage our staff to pursue positions that speak to them or will help them continue to grow.”

– Assistant Principal

When teachers work in an environment where they are encouraged to grow and trust each other, collaboration is fostered not only with other teachers, but with parents and students.

5. Parents: What If Trust is Broken?

So, what if you don’t trust a teacher? First, ask yourself why. Have you had a negative interaction? Is their style not a good fit for your child? Once you have had enough interactions to be sure whether or not you trust a teacher’s skills and judgment, what if you don’t?

Most concerns can be solved by holding a parent-teacher conference. However, if you are not feeling heard, it’s time to talk to a school administrator. Perhaps the teacher needs support from the principal to explain why the school can’t provide what you are asking for. Perhaps the teacher needs more training. Or, maybe there is a dynamic in the classroom you think the principal be aware of.

Many parents I work with say, “I don’t want to go over the teacher’s head” or “I’m scared to talk to the principal.” In my experience, talk with the teacher first, but if you think a teacher needs more support, principals want to know. If you have a concern about a teacher, it’s the principal who knows all that might be at play in the situation, even if they can’t tell you every detail.

However, remember that all concerns are relative. A concern for you may not be a concern in the context of all the needs in the school. Principals are in the business of triaging concerns, so be patient. 

Like any collaborative relationship, there will be problems to solve and, at times, there will be conflict. We can weather the conflict and build a path to success if the foundation is built on a trusting partnership. 

Let’s Stay Connected!

~Dr. Emily

I’m Dr. Emily, child psychologist and former school psychologist, and I’m on a mission to help parents and teachers be the best adults we can be for the neurodivergent kids and teens in our lives. This isn’t about changing the kids, it’s about changing us. Learn more with my resources for parents, teachers, and schools at www.learnwithdremily.com.

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