Nurturing the Independence of Neurodivergent Teens

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Oct 09, 2023

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As parents, we are all are working toward the same goals: Raise a human that is independent and kind. Many of us start with goals like “successful” and”happy,” but because these are such relative terms, I find it more helpful to define goals within the framework of independence, which is my definition of success anyway. I also don’t think I know any kind people who aren’t also generally happy people so that brings us back to the goals of raising independent and kind humans.

But what happens when your child is growing up with skill weaknesses and mood dysregulation that make them struggle with independence and present at times with some very unkind behaviors? I have lived this parenting experience and counseled many families along this anxiety-provoking path.

Parents raising neurodivergent teens ask themselves: Is my child ever going to drive? Will they be able to go to college? Will they be able to have a job? Will they be able to keep a job? Will my child be able to live on their own? Will they have friends? And, the list goes on.

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Chronological Ages are Arbitrary (for the most part)

One of the ways we feel alone as parents raising neurodivergent kids is when their milestones are misaligned with those around them. I find this to be the most true when children are first entering Kindergarten. Generally speaking, before-school-age young children are not so independent. Parents of infants and toddlers feel like they’re all in the same boat of having to support the feeding, sleeping, and toileting of their kids. But, once a child begins school, it becomes more obvious if your child is not getting out of the car, attending therapy instead of soccer practice, or having meltdowns at school. You will likely have some feelings about this. Some of your feelings have to do with worry for your child, but some of your feelings will be a part of your journey of acceptance as you learn to become the parent your child needs you to be.

I’m on this journey right along with you and I know it’s hard to listen to other parents complain about things you would not even identify as a problem. I’ll never forget being on a field trip with my neurodivergent Kindergartener and listening to a parent complain about their child not being in the same class as their best friend. I’m all for a child needing their friends, but in that moment all I could think about was how much I wished my son had a friend. It was a lonely feeling. This is the main reason it’s important for parents raising neurodivergent children and teens to find their people.

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The Advocacy Hand-off

At some point along with school-age path, many parents master all the things: attending IEP meetings, scheduling therapies, embracing their child’s strengths, planning support for their child’s needs, talking to their child about their brain, and helping their village better understand their child. Just when a parent has mastered these parenting milestones, we begin to realize that we have to now teach our child how to manage many of these things. We work so hard to help our child be successful in school, we sometimes miss that we also have to work on helping them be independent in life. All that advocacy we’ve done? We have to teach our child how to to it, too. Part of teaching our teens independence is helping them know what they can do on their own, what they need help with, knowing who to ask for help, and being able to ask for it. All of this takes practice.

Somewhere around 9th grade or age 15, thinking about your child’s independence is in the spotlight again. Teachers and administrators are talking about graduation requirements, drivers education, and planning for the future. Your child may or may not be on the chronological path of these arbitrary time frames of what our culture tells them they are allowed to do at ages 16, 18, and 21. I’m here to tell you that that’s ok. Just like I tell all parents to stop looking at chronological milestone charts, stop paying attention to when our society tells kids they can do stuff. Being allowed to isn’t the same as being able to.

“How Old You Are vs. How Ready You Are”

Just because your teen is 16 does not mean they are ready to drive. Just because they are 18 does not mean they are ready to live on their own. And, just because your child has turned 21 does not mean they are ready to buy alcohol. These are arbitrary numbers determined by state and federal governments and they are not rooted in brain science. So, just like you decided when your child was ready to begin Kindergarten, I find it helpful to focus on when your teen is ready to do an independent skill. I call this “How Old You Are vs. How Ready You Are.”

When talking to teens about their independence, I’ve noticed that some teens want to drive or go to college alongside their same-age peers simply because this is the message they have received from culture. We need to help them understand their skills and the support they need to become independent. I’ve also noticed that sometimes teens are ready for more independence but their parents are anxious about stepping back because they fear regression or failure.

So how do we know when to step back? Here is my priority list of independent tasks to encourage with teens. If expectations are too high, nothing is achieved. Let’s go one step at a time.

I like to think about independent skills building on each other from the inside out. Start with what your child is ready to do. If you’re not sure, ask their teacher, tutor, or therapist what they have seen them do independently so you know you can step back, too. Your child will fail. They will need coaching. You will have to explicitly teach them things that you feel are intuitive to other teens. Keep going, they want to be independent!

Start Here Nurturing Your Teen’s Independence

First, teens need to learn to take care of their body, then their things, then their space, and then others. This looks like:

1) Taking care of my body (hygiene tasks)

2) Taking care of my belongings (keeping up with my things/own space)

3) Taking care of shared space (helping with cleaning and organization of the home/classroom)

4) Taking care of other people (noticing how I impact those around me)

Sometimes, neurodivergent teens are not motivated to please others socially. They often live in the moment and may not be thinking about what others think of them in regards to their appearance.

It can be helpful to start with what motivates your teen. Some are motivated to be clean because their skin feels less itchy when it’s clean. Some are motivated to have clean clothes because their clothes feel better rather than focusing on looking better. Some are motivated by having a clean space because it’s satisfying to be able to find their things.

Have you figured out a way to motivate your teen? Drop your tip in the comments!

Nurturing the Independence of Neurodivergent Teens

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